A Year Has Past

So it has been a year since Mom passed away. I find myself drifting off at times with memories of her and the things she did. I have good fond memories of her, but I also have some frustrating memories. At one time I wondered if that was ok, and have decided that it was. 

You see, when someone you are close to dies, there are still things that will linger about them. Like the type of soap she would buy or the body spray she would wear. Whenever I fold towels, I think about how she taught me. The good memories are always a pleasure to think about. I usually smile and perhaps give off a little laugh. I can see her being silly or just being creative and my just admiring how she does it all! 

Then there are the frustrating thoughts, the ones where I still feel the sting of something that was said. The thoughts of when I felt slighted or put out for some reason. I still feel the twinge of pain that comes with those thoughts. They are curious to me. I wonder why I even remember them. I question my own mind with "shouldn't I be thinking good things??? After all she is gone, no sense in rehashing what cannot be undone!"

But you see, it can be undone! I can speak truth and I can speak it out loud! Maybe I am recalling these things so that I may forgive her or even forgive myself. 

I love my mother. She was more than just my mom, we were the best of friends. We could laugh till we cried and would defend each other till the death. That is what I did, I defended her till her death. I miss her. 

I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes rolling at the things that annoyed her. I miss shopping with her, cooking with her, sewing with her. I miss watching a movie just for girls with her. I miss venting about what makes me angry with her. I miss her stories and her ideas. I miss her, I miss my mom. 

I am not the only one that misses her. Dad misses her too. This isn't all about me, it is about all of us. Dad has been on a roller coaster ride this past year. But I must say I am very proud of him, he has come through it all like a champ! But I know he misses Mom. This weekend was an emotional one. My brother and his family spent the weekend with us. It was good to have everyone together. We felt the absent of Mom, but didn't talk about it much. It would only make us cry, then we would all cry and that wouldn't be fun. We were all dealing with the memory of Mom and the feelings of loss in our own ways. 

Now we are on to our year of seconds. This should be a better year, an easier one. Life continues to go on, whether we participate in it or not, it will continue to happen. The sun will rise and set. We have to choose how to continue to behave. I will admit, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone out there in the world. But I know that isn't the correct  way to be. So I get up, shower and grab my cup of coffee and tell myself, "Today is gonna be a good one! So get ready!" 

Ok, so that doesn't always work, sometimes I still have a bad attitude, but at least I am up! Coffee helps! As I go about my day, I sometimes think of Mom and what she think or I think of something I would like to tell her. I live out the event in my mind, smile and continue on. I come across things I wish I could share with her or tell her, then I remember that I believe she is looking in on us from heaven and is hearing what I am saying or seeing what I want to show her. It comforts me. And for now, that is good. 

So a year has past. A year of firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, births, weddings, and milestones. It is time to continue to move on towards our future. I am gonna be a grandma myself. I am excited about this and even though I wish I could share it with my Mom, I can't. But I can be there for my daughters and my sons and be the best Grandma that I can be. 

Our seasons have changed. We have passed through the Winter and are now headed onto the Spring! 

Bright things ahead of us! Keep watching for that sunrise! It is a beautiful site!