Life goes on....

One thing to you can be sure of is that life goes on, with or without your involvement. Our lives have been forever changed by ALS, in fact we were all personally changed because of it. Nothing about our futures happened the way we thought it would. 

We thought that Mom would live to be in her 90's, and we thought she would outlive Dad. After all she was ten years younger than him. My brother and I even discussed how we would take care of our aging parents. But as of yet, we didn't look at them as being old. Mom was planning on working till she was at least 70. When she passed she was only 66. Dad, who was 76 was still working until it was apparent that Mom needed him home more. I was doing fine taking care of her, Dad just wanted to be there. And that was ok with me. 

My parents were full of life and still very much in love. Even today, Dad talks about how good they were together. He keeps the house just the way she liked it as if she would arrive home any day. 

It has been five months since Mom has passed away and we keep her memory alive each day. Everything reminds me of her and quite often I wish I could just call her up and chat awhile. Because life still goes on. 

My daughter just got married and I am expecting another nephew any day now. Birthdays have come and gone as well as a couple of holidays. Mom and Dad's anniversary was this month. Life goes on. 

Dad has gone back to work. Me, well, I am still trying to figure out what to do now. I made so many changes to be here for Mom. Now, well, I am just here. 

I do plan on still blogging about our journey. Because I don't believe that you actually ever get over something. It just becomes part of who you are. 

Thank you for reading this blog and being a part of our lives. 

More to come.....

Happy New Year????

Even though our attitudes were upbeat, we could not ignore the signs that we were facing a struggle ahead. Mom was just too tired for her normal activity. Her baths were now sponge baths in bed as it was just to traumatizing for her to be moved to the shower bench and back. She no longer had the strength in her upper body to hold herself up, so we had to do it for her if she was not in bed or in her chair. 

Her eating became less and less. We had to wake her just to keep up the nutrients in her body. Another thing was we had to be careful not to overfeed her, that was a risk as well. Her medicines began to change as well. She needed more of the medicine to help her relax and breath and less of the blood pressure medicine. She was using oxygen most all the time now. 

The changes in her just from December to January were dramatic. Her voice was all but gone. And she would call out to me, "maamaa" and I would come to her side. That was pretty much all she could say. She wrote everything else down and that was becoming a struggle. I kept her last notes. They were hard to read, not because of the handwriting, but because of what she had written. 

I called her closest friends and family, told them they should come visit. We just didn't have a timeline anymore and if they wanted to see Mom, they needed to come. 

Mom could only handle visiting for a short time before she just had to sleep. The company was good for Dad. He was with her constantly. Making sure her legs were in the right spot. Or that she was warm or cool enough. Adjusting the oxygen tube so that she was comfortable. Calling her his Beautiful Lady, and kissing her on her forehead. He was amazing. His love for his bride was beyond compare. He worried about her terribly but would not let it show in front of her. We had quiet talks about the future and he would tear up, and I knew we had to stop and finish later. 

The future was hard to think about. Actually, the future without Mom was hard to think about. 

She and Dad had been married over 48 years. Not counting the four years that they dated before they got married. Over their marriage they helped out several family and friends in various ways. At one point Dad and I counted over 20 people had lived with them, and they helped purchase 7 cars/trucks for people. They were very involved in their church and invited many people over for dinner. They were always involved in something. Mom did several weddings and made quilts for babies and Teen Challenge men. I can't remember when they were not busy helping someone else out. 

Even now, at this horrible time in their lives, they seemed to bless those who came to visit. 

January ended with Mom once again stable. She was tired and slept most of the day, as well as all night. But she was stable again. We found comfort in that. 

February came with Mom's breathing once again a struggle. She was short of breath quite often and needed air circulating in the house as well as being on the Oxygen. We started to use the morphine again to give her comfort. On The 11th of February, the nurse came and stated that we should think about a hospital bed for Mom. We agreed, it would be delivered on Thursday, Valentine's day. 

My daughter Amber, who lived away at this time, came to visit. It was good for Mom, she smiled a lot and enjoyed us girls together again. 

Amber feeding her Nana, last time they were together.

This visit was a special one. 

The hospital bed arrived on time on Valentines Day. So did the nurse. She listened to Mom's lungs and after a brief visit with Mom, we put her down to rest. The nurse spoke with my Dad and I, along with my son, David who was there. She said that Mom's lungs were fading and her breathing was shallow. We were told that this could last several days and then she would most likely just fade away in her sleep. It could perhaps even be a couple of weeks. So we were to keep her as comfortable as possible and just ride it out. Keep feeding, but be aware of how much she would actually need. Since most likely she would not get out of bed much, if at all. 

Mom did get out of bed. She got up that afternoon and stayed up till 11 PM that night. My husband surprised us with a visit. And we all talked about how Mom and Dad had their first date on Valentines day some 52 years ago and how that was the holiday that Dad always bought a card on for Mom. They even had their first kiss on Valentines day! We teased them and they teased us. We laughed and Mom's eyes sparkled and it was good. 

We put mom in the hospital bed that night around 11 PM. We all told her we loved her and Dad and I kissed her forehead. I hugged her, she hugged me back.  Dad went to bed in a single bed next to Mom. We went to our room, and snuggled, so glad my husband was here. I filled him in on the day and what our near future may hold. We drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

Dad called me at 4:30 AM, (it was the morning of the 15th), "She's gone" he said with a crack in his voice. "What, NO, it's not time!" was my response. 

I ran to their room, there she was, looking like she was just sleeping, but she wasn't breathing, still warm, he woke up because it just didn't sound right. He had heard her take her last breath and that woke him up. He was so attentive to her every sound and movement. He said he just knew something wasn't quite right. I was on one side of her, Dad on the other. I held her hand and cried.  "It's just too soon! We just got the hospital bed! This can't be real!" 

I looked over at Dad, he was crying, he told me not to talk to him, he just couldn't take it right now. He needed time. 

I called Hospice. The funeral home director came next, I took care of that too. Got an outfit out for Mom, the one she wanted to be in for this moment. They came and took Mom away and the bed was empty. Sam, her little dog, was sad and confused. He was always with her. Now he too was alone. 

My husband called the kids and my Dad called my brother. We were all in a fog. The air was heavy and our hearts were broken. How can we console each other when we were each hurting so badly in our own ways? We all mourned for the loss of our beloved Mom, Wife, Nana, Friend, our Lottie. 

My Angel Mother