It is October and the leaves are falling from the trees around my house. We have several Maple trees so the leaves are large, yellow and orange. It is quite a sight when they fall, and loud too. The ground has a blanket of color on it from the leaves that have already fallen. The birds gather around the feeder and chirp and chat enjoying the treats of seeds I put out for them. It is hard to believe that a year ago, this very month, and much to my dismay, my youngest daughter moved out. I was dealing with migraines from all the stress I was dealing with and we started Mom on Hospice. It may have been pretty outside with all the colorful leaves, but inside, it was dark, black and gray.
Each leaf that fell sounded like rain and felt bitter and cold. I felt like my life was unraveling. My family was separating and disagreeable. My Father was moody, stressed out with Mom's condition, and I needed to find a quiet space! After sporting a migraine for a week, I decided see the doctor myself. More of the same stuff for me; Stress causes my migraines to increase in size and length; was the diagnosis. Perfect, I thought. I didn't see any relief in the near future.
My daughter broke my heart. My stressed out Father, hurt my feelings. My dear Mother was dying. And I was alone. Alone with my broken heart, hurt feelings and missing my best friend as she lay in bed or sat in her chair, unable to communicate with me like we had so many times before. I would call out to God and ask where He was in all of this.
Fall, the season before Winter. The slowing down of life, just before death. I wanted to run, run right in to Spring! I want life and happiness and laughter! I want my daughter to come home and my Mom to be well! But life had another story for me tell and it wasn't the one I wanted to be a part of. It was difficult not to be full of dismay.
I clung to my faith as it gave me hope. Even though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I still tried to fear no evil, knowing that God was with me. He just had to be. I knew that I just couldn't continue to go on without some other source of strength.
Reflecting back on last October brings both sorrow and comfort. Sorrow for what went on that month, for what was lost. Comfort for knowing that Mom is in a better place, my daughter and I are communicating again. My Father is still in mourning. He misses Mom. I can tell the holidays this year will be tough on him. They will be tough on all of us.
I now have my quiet place. I sit there and enjoy the colors that October brings. I read my Bible and meditate and reflect. I miss my Mom too. Life has forever been changed for us. We were such a tight knit family, and now, we are frayed at the edges. I pray for us to be mended, and I reject the thought of us being so unraveled that we are just strands of fray from the past.
Even thought it is October, I am still looking for new life. New ways to grow and be creative. I began knitting items for Christmas presents. Mom and I would always try to make something for Christmas. I am keeping up with tradition. It may feel like darkness is coming, but I am not dead! I choose to surround myself with living color and rejoice and praise all that is worth living for!
I know Winter will come, but I've got a fire, and a twinkle in my eye!
