My Approval of Myself!

Why do we seek approval of others? So often our belief in our self worth is based on what other think of us. I am calling Malarkey! 

Our approval rating needs to start with us! I approve me! 

When I was younger, I was very much an idealist. I believed in every human being and only saw the good in them. I just knew that if I shared my smile and kindness then they would see that I was worthy of being their friend. As you can guess, I came against a great deal of opposition and heartache.  I learned that people judged me and treated me according to what their judgement of me was. 

By the time I was a senior in High School, I just didn't care what other's thought of me. I was done being the super sweet person who treated everyone the same. My kindness bucket was empty. I was empty. I remember just walking the halls of the High School and feeling like I was only a ghost and not really there at all. 

I always did the "right thing" and made the "right choices" and reality slapped me right in the face with it all too. Now don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my life. Even the errors I made and the awful things that I was forced to experience, I have no regrets over. The path that my life took me down made me the woman I am today. 

Years passed, I became a wife, mom, single mom, wife again, step mom and now gramma. I again took up being kind, and added being wise, regardless of the situation I was in. After all of my life experiences have brought me through, they taught me this: I don't have to be "right" to be "correct." 

So I choose to be correct now. Sometimes that means letting go of someone that I have invested a lot of time into and sometimes that means just saying "no" to a new friendship. I am now being kind to myself! Why? Because I approve of myself. I am not perfect, nor am I the skinny girl in High School anymore. But what I am is a beautiful, talented, loving woman who can appreciate others just as they are. I don't need approval of others to be ok. I am ok already. I am happy. I have fun. I am serious. I am also silly. I work hard and sometimes I hardly work. I love reading and learning. I love bird watching and people watching. I like sitting on my deck and drinking a cup of coffee with my husband, while occasionally throwing a ball for my dog. I have no need to be something I am not just for some one's approval. 

So know this: you are beautiful, strong, fun, silly and serious! Love everything about yourself! Your hair color, your eye color, your freckles! Everything about you makes you wonderful! Yes, even the bad stuff. How? Well, because the bad stuff helps you define who you are in an icky situation. Life gives everyone icky situations, how we handle them defines who we are. 

So make a decision, approve of yourself! I did and it feels great! 

I approve this message! 

And the little Rose bloomed

About twelve years ago, a very special man brought me a tiny rose bush. Actually it was a miniature rose bush. It reminded me of a bonsai plant. I was very fond of the little rose bush. The first year I had the tiny rose bush, I watered it, fertilized it, made sure it had just the right amount of sun and shade. It put forth several little mini red roses. And it made me smile. The second year, I was moving across country and could not take this little rose bush with me. So I left it in the care of my mother. I had great confidence that it would be ok, since she was a gifted gardener. After living afar for a few years, I returned back to Oregon and to my little rose bush. It was still producing the sweetest little red roses. It made me smile some more. I had to move away from my little rose bush again, for another four years. I would inquire about the health of my tiny rose bush and my mother would tell me it is doing just fine. I never worried about it's care, I trusted the caregiver. I knew that she knew the little rose bush was special to me and that she was entrusted to make sure it survived. She needed to water it, fertilize it and make sure it had the right amount of sun and shade.
When my mother became ill with ALS, I came home to stay. Before she was wheelchair bound, she and I were outside going over the flower garden and what needed to be done and there in the middle was my little rose bush. I smiled. She said that now I could be the one taking care of it, watering it, fertilizing it and making sure it got the right amount of sun and shade.
I looked at my mother, and considered the little rose bush. She had taken care of me for so many years, been there for me. Feeding me words of wisdom. Watering my soul with music. Making sure that I got just the right amount of experience and responsibility. As I bloomed as a young woman, she would smile.
I realized how blessed I am to have such a caring mother. One who would allow me to be the impossible person I was and then to encourage me to be the independent business woman I became. Just as she tended her garden, with loving hands guiding her flowers to grow, she did the same for me.
The little rose bush is blooming.... and it makes me smile.

A Year Has Past

So it has been a year since Mom passed away. I find myself drifting off at times with memories of her and the things she did. I have good fond memories of her, but I also have some frustrating memories. At one time I wondered if that was ok, and have decided that it was. 

You see, when someone you are close to dies, there are still things that will linger about them. Like the type of soap she would buy or the body spray she would wear. Whenever I fold towels, I think about how she taught me. The good memories are always a pleasure to think about. I usually smile and perhaps give off a little laugh. I can see her being silly or just being creative and my just admiring how she does it all! 

Then there are the frustrating thoughts, the ones where I still feel the sting of something that was said. The thoughts of when I felt slighted or put out for some reason. I still feel the twinge of pain that comes with those thoughts. They are curious to me. I wonder why I even remember them. I question my own mind with "shouldn't I be thinking good things??? After all she is gone, no sense in rehashing what cannot be undone!"

But you see, it can be undone! I can speak truth and I can speak it out loud! Maybe I am recalling these things so that I may forgive her or even forgive myself. 

I love my mother. She was more than just my mom, we were the best of friends. We could laugh till we cried and would defend each other till the death. That is what I did, I defended her till her death. I miss her. 

I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes rolling at the things that annoyed her. I miss shopping with her, cooking with her, sewing with her. I miss watching a movie just for girls with her. I miss venting about what makes me angry with her. I miss her stories and her ideas. I miss her, I miss my mom. 

I am not the only one that misses her. Dad misses her too. This isn't all about me, it is about all of us. Dad has been on a roller coaster ride this past year. But I must say I am very proud of him, he has come through it all like a champ! But I know he misses Mom. This weekend was an emotional one. My brother and his family spent the weekend with us. It was good to have everyone together. We felt the absent of Mom, but didn't talk about it much. It would only make us cry, then we would all cry and that wouldn't be fun. We were all dealing with the memory of Mom and the feelings of loss in our own ways. 

Now we are on to our year of seconds. This should be a better year, an easier one. Life continues to go on, whether we participate in it or not, it will continue to happen. The sun will rise and set. We have to choose how to continue to behave. I will admit, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone out there in the world. But I know that isn't the correct  way to be. So I get up, shower and grab my cup of coffee and tell myself, "Today is gonna be a good one! So get ready!" 

Ok, so that doesn't always work, sometimes I still have a bad attitude, but at least I am up! Coffee helps! As I go about my day, I sometimes think of Mom and what she think or I think of something I would like to tell her. I live out the event in my mind, smile and continue on. I come across things I wish I could share with her or tell her, then I remember that I believe she is looking in on us from heaven and is hearing what I am saying or seeing what I want to show her. It comforts me. And for now, that is good. 

So a year has past. A year of firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, births, weddings, and milestones. It is time to continue to move on towards our future. I am gonna be a grandma myself. I am excited about this and even though I wish I could share it with my Mom, I can't. But I can be there for my daughters and my sons and be the best Grandma that I can be. 

Our seasons have changed. We have passed through the Winter and are now headed onto the Spring! 

Bright things ahead of us! Keep watching for that sunrise! It is a beautiful site!