Hard to believe that it has been five years and some months since we said good bye. Never would I have thought this part of the journey into my adult life would be experienced without my best girlfriend, my mentor, my mother. So much as happened in these four years. Both daughters got married and one had a daughter of her own. Both sons and one daughter graduated from college. Several changes have been made in the family regarding the workforce. Houses were bought along with a couple of vehicles. The college I was attending closed, so I missed my BS degree by 7 credits. My brother's family has more than doubled in size. We have traveled overseas twice and developed lifelong friendships because of it. Additionally, we have lost other loved ones for various reasons.
We have experienced joy and heartache, anger, sadness, grief and peace beyond our own understanding. I find myself thinking more and talking less. (And for those who know me, that is quite something!) I guess I reflect on what was, what is and what will be. I see all the anger in the world and the bitter division between family and friends and I just don't want to be part of that. I don't want to be bitter and angry. I want to continue to experience life to it's fullest. To live, to dream and to create!
I visited the graves of my maternal grandparents today. It was quiet, peaceful and sad. No grief, just sadness. I felt sooo very sad for all the graves, the tombstones, the forgotten family, forgotten loved ones. Most of the tombstones were not taken care of, the graveyard was mowed, but moss and grass had grown over many of the grave markers. This just broke my heart. Each marker was the representation of a living breathing person. They each had a life, while it may be a mystery to me who they were, they did live and someone, who loved them, made sure they had a place to rest. Now they rest alone along with hundreds of others who are resting alone. Alone in their grave with a marker covered in moss and grass making their name and dates hard to read. Alone... and forgotten.
My grandparents grave marker needs attention. I am not the only family around this area and I was not the closest to them. But I am going to be the one to go and clean up the area and wash off the marble in honor of who they were. They were real people. They laughed, cried, yelled and whispered. The loved deeply and while they didn't make everyone happy, they did work hard and give to others what they could. I have so many memories of them, I am happy to do this small task on their behalf. In their memory.
This brings me to thoughts of my mother, her death, and her current 'resting' place. She didn't want a tomb, she didn't want to be a forgotten gravestone that no one could read. She wanted to be remembered by what she gave to others, the life lessons she taught, the generosity and love she gave so freely and the smells of her recipes cooking in the kitchen. That woman could cook! Her memory is best described by what she left with each one of us. She spent her live effectively changing other's by sharing the joy and love inside of her. So where does my mom rest? She is in an urn in my father's house surrounded by pictures of her smiling, baking, quilting, traveling and having fun with family and friends.
Not a month goes by that we don't say, "Nana did this, or Nana would have loved that."
She is alive in our hearts and memories and not forgotten.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Friday, May 29, 2015
Cake and Grapes
I had the best Mom ever!
I know other's would say the same thing, but I do believe I did have the best Mom ever! Well at least she was the best Mom for me!
She fulfilled so many areas of my life, I just cannot even fathom what life would have been like with a different Mother.
I was a skinny teenager, who suffered from Food Allergies, which made me very ill at times. I actually was teased and made to feel bad about being "too skinny" and of course, as with most bullying, it hurt.
Don't get me wrong, I stood up for myself, even got in a few fights. (I know, hard to believe) But bullying of any and all kinds leaves scars on people. My Mom also knew the pain of bullying. She was a very shy girl. (And I mean VERY). This led to her being teased about being a snob and "too good for anyone" when in fact, she was socially inept. She was terrified to talk to people. She eventually overcame this, but it was traumatic for her as a child.
I would come home from an event and go to my room and just want to scream. People were so cruel! I would be so angry that I would begin to cry and that is about when my mom would come in with a fresh un-frosted piece of white or yellow cake. Still warm from the oven. But because I also needed natural sugar, she would bring in green grapes as well. (Hence; cake and grapes) It was her tenderness and sweetness that would melt me. I tried to become hard hearted towards others. I really wanted to hate them for teasing me so much. But she would sit on the bed with me and talk, and cry, and eat cake.
She would give me the best "mom advice" ever and tell me to forgive them and love them anyway. They just didn't understand that they showing me how insecure and hurt they were inside. Over time I would begin to learn how to deal with the pain of others. I learned to recognize that they were just exposing themselves to me. I had a choice to make, to be mean back, after all, I felt I had a right to be mean back. That was not the choice I made, I chose to be correct. Hurting people hurt others, so why not help heal the pain and be kind to them, regardless of how they treated me? Yes, that is what I did.
I became stronger as a person and was able to confront those who were mean to me. It was not easy, and sometimes I still wanted more cake and grape time! However, time does have a way of healing things if you let it. Forgiveness is part of that too.
Throughout my adult life, I was blessed to have a close relationship with my mother, we were the best of friends. We vented and laughed and cried together. No matter where in the United States I lived, we remained close. We used to joke about having a cake and grape talk, I knew when she said that she needed to vent and I was to be the "good advice" giver. This went both ways. I would mention the cake and grapes and she would become my sounding board to the issues I was frustrated with.
Cake and Grapes is something I have shared with my two daughters. Only they don't like cake, so it is mostly a metaphor for "we need to talk" and then we talk. I cherish both my daughters and wish that my mother could have known them as adults. I know she would have been as proud of them as I am today.
I mostly eat the cake and grapes by myself now. I love the relationships I have with my daughters and those with my other female friends. But none compare to the one I had with my Mother.....
She truly was my best friend.
And I miss her......
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
My Approval of Myself!
Why do we seek approval of others? So often our belief in our self worth is based on what other think of us. I am calling Malarkey!
Our approval rating needs to start with us! I approve me!
When I was younger, I was very much an idealist. I believed in every human being and only saw the good in them. I just knew that if I shared my smile and kindness then they would see that I was worthy of being their friend. As you can guess, I came against a great deal of opposition and heartache. I learned that people judged me and treated me according to what their judgement of me was.
By the time I was a senior in High School, I just didn't care what other's thought of me. I was done being the super sweet person who treated everyone the same. My kindness bucket was empty. I was empty. I remember just walking the halls of the High School and feeling like I was only a ghost and not really there at all.
I always did the "right thing" and made the "right choices" and reality slapped me right in the face with it all too. Now don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my life. Even the errors I made and the awful things that I was forced to experience, I have no regrets over. The path that my life took me down made me the woman I am today.
Years passed, I became a wife, mom, single mom, wife again, step mom and now gramma. I again took up being kind, and added being wise, regardless of the situation I was in. After all of my life experiences have brought me through, they taught me this: I don't have to be "right" to be "correct."
So I choose to be correct now. Sometimes that means letting go of someone that I have invested a lot of time into and sometimes that means just saying "no" to a new friendship. I am now being kind to myself! Why? Because I approve of myself. I am not perfect, nor am I the skinny girl in High School anymore. But what I am is a beautiful, talented, loving woman who can appreciate others just as they are. I don't need approval of others to be ok. I am ok already. I am happy. I have fun. I am serious. I am also silly. I work hard and sometimes I hardly work. I love reading and learning. I love bird watching and people watching. I like sitting on my deck and drinking a cup of coffee with my husband, while occasionally throwing a ball for my dog. I have no need to be something I am not just for some one's approval.
So know this: you are beautiful, strong, fun, silly and serious! Love everything about yourself! Your hair color, your eye color, your freckles! Everything about you makes you wonderful! Yes, even the bad stuff. How? Well, because the bad stuff helps you define who you are in an icky situation. Life gives everyone icky situations, how we handle them defines who we are.
So make a decision, approve of yourself! I did and it feels great!
I approve this message!
Our approval rating needs to start with us! I approve me!
When I was younger, I was very much an idealist. I believed in every human being and only saw the good in them. I just knew that if I shared my smile and kindness then they would see that I was worthy of being their friend. As you can guess, I came against a great deal of opposition and heartache. I learned that people judged me and treated me according to what their judgement of me was.
By the time I was a senior in High School, I just didn't care what other's thought of me. I was done being the super sweet person who treated everyone the same. My kindness bucket was empty. I was empty. I remember just walking the halls of the High School and feeling like I was only a ghost and not really there at all.
I always did the "right thing" and made the "right choices" and reality slapped me right in the face with it all too. Now don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my life. Even the errors I made and the awful things that I was forced to experience, I have no regrets over. The path that my life took me down made me the woman I am today.
Years passed, I became a wife, mom, single mom, wife again, step mom and now gramma. I again took up being kind, and added being wise, regardless of the situation I was in. After all of my life experiences have brought me through, they taught me this: I don't have to be "right" to be "correct."
So I choose to be correct now. Sometimes that means letting go of someone that I have invested a lot of time into and sometimes that means just saying "no" to a new friendship. I am now being kind to myself! Why? Because I approve of myself. I am not perfect, nor am I the skinny girl in High School anymore. But what I am is a beautiful, talented, loving woman who can appreciate others just as they are. I don't need approval of others to be ok. I am ok already. I am happy. I have fun. I am serious. I am also silly. I work hard and sometimes I hardly work. I love reading and learning. I love bird watching and people watching. I like sitting on my deck and drinking a cup of coffee with my husband, while occasionally throwing a ball for my dog. I have no need to be something I am not just for some one's approval.
So know this: you are beautiful, strong, fun, silly and serious! Love everything about yourself! Your hair color, your eye color, your freckles! Everything about you makes you wonderful! Yes, even the bad stuff. How? Well, because the bad stuff helps you define who you are in an icky situation. Life gives everyone icky situations, how we handle them defines who we are.
So make a decision, approve of yourself! I did and it feels great!
I approve this message!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
And the little Rose bloomed
About twelve years ago, a very special man brought me a tiny rose bush. Actually it was a miniature rose bush. It reminded me of a bonsai plant. I was very fond of the little rose bush. The first year I had the tiny rose bush, I watered it, fertilized it, made sure it had just the right amount of sun and shade. It put forth several little mini red roses. And it made me smile. The second year, I was moving across country and could not take this little rose bush with me. So I left it in the care of my mother. I had great confidence that it would be ok, since she was a gifted gardener. After living afar for a few years, I returned back to Oregon and to my little rose bush. It was still producing the sweetest little red roses. It made me smile some more. I had to move away from my little rose bush again, for another four years. I would inquire about the health of my tiny rose bush and my mother would tell me it is doing just fine. I never worried about it's care, I trusted the caregiver. I knew that she knew the little rose bush was special to me and that she was entrusted to make sure it survived. She needed to water it, fertilize it and make sure it had the right amount of sun and shade.
When my mother became ill with ALS, I came home to stay. Before she was wheelchair bound, she and I were outside going over the flower garden and what needed to be done and there in the middle was my little rose bush. I smiled. She said that now I could be the one taking care of it, watering it, fertilizing it and making sure it got the right amount of sun and shade.
I looked at my mother, and considered the little rose bush. She had taken care of me for so many years, been there for me. Feeding me words of wisdom. Watering my soul with music. Making sure that I got just the right amount of experience and responsibility. As I bloomed as a young woman, she would smile.
I realized how blessed I am to have such a caring mother. One who would allow me to be the impossible person I was and then to encourage me to be the independent business woman I became. Just as she tended her garden, with loving hands guiding her flowers to grow, she did the same for me.
The little rose bush is blooming.... and it makes me smile.
When my mother became ill with ALS, I came home to stay. Before she was wheelchair bound, she and I were outside going over the flower garden and what needed to be done and there in the middle was my little rose bush. I smiled. She said that now I could be the one taking care of it, watering it, fertilizing it and making sure it got the right amount of sun and shade.
I looked at my mother, and considered the little rose bush. She had taken care of me for so many years, been there for me. Feeding me words of wisdom. Watering my soul with music. Making sure that I got just the right amount of experience and responsibility. As I bloomed as a young woman, she would smile.
I realized how blessed I am to have such a caring mother. One who would allow me to be the impossible person I was and then to encourage me to be the independent business woman I became. Just as she tended her garden, with loving hands guiding her flowers to grow, she did the same for me.
The little rose bush is blooming.... and it makes me smile.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
A Year Has Past
So it has been a year since Mom passed away. I find myself drifting off at times with memories of her and the things she did. I have good fond memories of her, but I also have some frustrating memories. At one time I wondered if that was ok, and have decided that it was.
You see, when someone you are close to dies, there are still things that will linger about them. Like the type of soap she would buy or the body spray she would wear. Whenever I fold towels, I think about how she taught me. The good memories are always a pleasure to think about. I usually smile and perhaps give off a little laugh. I can see her being silly or just being creative and my just admiring how she does it all!
Then there are the frustrating thoughts, the ones where I still feel the sting of something that was said. The thoughts of when I felt slighted or put out for some reason. I still feel the twinge of pain that comes with those thoughts. They are curious to me. I wonder why I even remember them. I question my own mind with "shouldn't I be thinking good things??? After all she is gone, no sense in rehashing what cannot be undone!"
But you see, it can be undone! I can speak truth and I can speak it out loud! Maybe I am recalling these things so that I may forgive her or even forgive myself.
I love my mother. She was more than just my mom, we were the best of friends. We could laugh till we cried and would defend each other till the death. That is what I did, I defended her till her death. I miss her.
I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes rolling at the things that annoyed her. I miss shopping with her, cooking with her, sewing with her. I miss watching a movie just for girls with her. I miss venting about what makes me angry with her. I miss her stories and her ideas. I miss her, I miss my mom.
I am not the only one that misses her. Dad misses her too. This isn't all about me, it is about all of us. Dad has been on a roller coaster ride this past year. But I must say I am very proud of him, he has come through it all like a champ! But I know he misses Mom. This weekend was an emotional one. My brother and his family spent the weekend with us. It was good to have everyone together. We felt the absent of Mom, but didn't talk about it much. It would only make us cry, then we would all cry and that wouldn't be fun. We were all dealing with the memory of Mom and the feelings of loss in our own ways.
Now we are on to our year of seconds. This should be a better year, an easier one. Life continues to go on, whether we participate in it or not, it will continue to happen. The sun will rise and set. We have to choose how to continue to behave. I will admit, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone out there in the world. But I know that isn't the correct way to be. So I get up, shower and grab my cup of coffee and tell myself, "Today is gonna be a good one! So get ready!"
Ok, so that doesn't always work, sometimes I still have a bad attitude, but at least I am up! Coffee helps! As I go about my day, I sometimes think of Mom and what she think or I think of something I would like to tell her. I live out the event in my mind, smile and continue on. I come across things I wish I could share with her or tell her, then I remember that I believe she is looking in on us from heaven and is hearing what I am saying or seeing what I want to show her. It comforts me. And for now, that is good.
So a year has past. A year of firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, births, weddings, and milestones. It is time to continue to move on towards our future. I am gonna be a grandma myself. I am excited about this and even though I wish I could share it with my Mom, I can't. But I can be there for my daughters and my sons and be the best Grandma that I can be.
Our seasons have changed. We have passed through the Winter and are now headed onto the Spring!
Bright things ahead of us! Keep watching for that sunrise! It is a beautiful site!
You see, when someone you are close to dies, there are still things that will linger about them. Like the type of soap she would buy or the body spray she would wear. Whenever I fold towels, I think about how she taught me. The good memories are always a pleasure to think about. I usually smile and perhaps give off a little laugh. I can see her being silly or just being creative and my just admiring how she does it all!
Then there are the frustrating thoughts, the ones where I still feel the sting of something that was said. The thoughts of when I felt slighted or put out for some reason. I still feel the twinge of pain that comes with those thoughts. They are curious to me. I wonder why I even remember them. I question my own mind with "shouldn't I be thinking good things??? After all she is gone, no sense in rehashing what cannot be undone!"
But you see, it can be undone! I can speak truth and I can speak it out loud! Maybe I am recalling these things so that I may forgive her or even forgive myself.
I love my mother. She was more than just my mom, we were the best of friends. We could laugh till we cried and would defend each other till the death. That is what I did, I defended her till her death. I miss her.
I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes rolling at the things that annoyed her. I miss shopping with her, cooking with her, sewing with her. I miss watching a movie just for girls with her. I miss venting about what makes me angry with her. I miss her stories and her ideas. I miss her, I miss my mom.
I am not the only one that misses her. Dad misses her too. This isn't all about me, it is about all of us. Dad has been on a roller coaster ride this past year. But I must say I am very proud of him, he has come through it all like a champ! But I know he misses Mom. This weekend was an emotional one. My brother and his family spent the weekend with us. It was good to have everyone together. We felt the absent of Mom, but didn't talk about it much. It would only make us cry, then we would all cry and that wouldn't be fun. We were all dealing with the memory of Mom and the feelings of loss in our own ways.
Now we are on to our year of seconds. This should be a better year, an easier one. Life continues to go on, whether we participate in it or not, it will continue to happen. The sun will rise and set. We have to choose how to continue to behave. I will admit, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone out there in the world. But I know that isn't the correct way to be. So I get up, shower and grab my cup of coffee and tell myself, "Today is gonna be a good one! So get ready!"
Ok, so that doesn't always work, sometimes I still have a bad attitude, but at least I am up! Coffee helps! As I go about my day, I sometimes think of Mom and what she think or I think of something I would like to tell her. I live out the event in my mind, smile and continue on. I come across things I wish I could share with her or tell her, then I remember that I believe she is looking in on us from heaven and is hearing what I am saying or seeing what I want to show her. It comforts me. And for now, that is good.
So a year has past. A year of firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, births, weddings, and milestones. It is time to continue to move on towards our future. I am gonna be a grandma myself. I am excited about this and even though I wish I could share it with my Mom, I can't. But I can be there for my daughters and my sons and be the best Grandma that I can be.
Our seasons have changed. We have passed through the Winter and are now headed onto the Spring!
Bright things ahead of us! Keep watching for that sunrise! It is a beautiful site!
Monday, December 23, 2013
My Christmas Wish
Society says, "Be yourself..... oh, just not that way"
(quote my son shared from a friend of his) This is so sad but true. We encourage our individuality, yet condemn it when it happens. Then society puts labels on people, separating society even farther. Then it becomes Us vs Them.
What we should all be shouting about and arguing for is the understanding that what really hurts are the labels and condemnation towards ALL of us. Hate goes both ways, so does love.
I say: Be yourself, cuz that is who I love and appreciate.
I posted the above statement on my Facebook page and felt it blogger worthy.
Labels prevent greatness to shine forth. It is tragic to live in a day and age where people are defined by labels. It is as if we are doing a Google search on who we want in our friend base. Truth be known: No one person is the same. Not even a clone, they are different in that they are not the original. We need to embrace each other, realizing that we all come from different background and have different life experiences. These are the things that make us so wonderful as individuals. Our eyes are shades of green, brown, blue, and grey; we all see things in a unique light. We gaze out and each one of us will notice something different. Our hearts all sing their own songs and I believe that they should be heard, not quieted.
Peace comes from within. Not from where we live, work or play. It comes from what is residing in our hearts. Anger and Hate do not generate peace. They generate strife. There are so many issues in today's society, focusing on labels and dividing into the "Us vs Them" categories, does not assist in resolving these issues.
I am actually OK with not agreeing with others. Just because I don't agree with someone's statement, belief or life style choices, does not give me the right to condemn them and spew hateful labels towards them. If I am to be true to myself, and to my own beliefs, I must give them the same allowance. Just as they haven't walked in my shoes, I haven't walked in theirs, so I cannot claim to be an expert on what is best for them. I can love them for who they are and appreciate their own individual greatness and hopefully glean something from them in a positive way.
My Christmas Wish: To be a light in the darkness, to help other's shine, and to influence just one person to accept others for who they are and not what society labeled them as.
Blessings to you all this Christmas Season!
(quote my son shared from a friend of his) This is so sad but true. We encourage our individuality, yet condemn it when it happens. Then society puts labels on people, separating society even farther. Then it becomes Us vs Them.
What we should all be shouting about and arguing for is the understanding that what really hurts are the labels and condemnation towards ALL of us. Hate goes both ways, so does love.
I say: Be yourself, cuz that is who I love and appreciate.
I posted the above statement on my Facebook page and felt it blogger worthy.
Labels prevent greatness to shine forth. It is tragic to live in a day and age where people are defined by labels. It is as if we are doing a Google search on who we want in our friend base. Truth be known: No one person is the same. Not even a clone, they are different in that they are not the original. We need to embrace each other, realizing that we all come from different background and have different life experiences. These are the things that make us so wonderful as individuals. Our eyes are shades of green, brown, blue, and grey; we all see things in a unique light. We gaze out and each one of us will notice something different. Our hearts all sing their own songs and I believe that they should be heard, not quieted.
Peace comes from within. Not from where we live, work or play. It comes from what is residing in our hearts. Anger and Hate do not generate peace. They generate strife. There are so many issues in today's society, focusing on labels and dividing into the "Us vs Them" categories, does not assist in resolving these issues.
I am actually OK with not agreeing with others. Just because I don't agree with someone's statement, belief or life style choices, does not give me the right to condemn them and spew hateful labels towards them. If I am to be true to myself, and to my own beliefs, I must give them the same allowance. Just as they haven't walked in my shoes, I haven't walked in theirs, so I cannot claim to be an expert on what is best for them. I can love them for who they are and appreciate their own individual greatness and hopefully glean something from them in a positive way.
My Christmas Wish: To be a light in the darkness, to help other's shine, and to influence just one person to accept others for who they are and not what society labeled them as.
Blessings to you all this Christmas Season!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Christmas Past, Present and Future
In the past, Mom would be singing Christmas carols at the top of her lungs. And we would listen to all kinds of Christmas music. I would search for my favorite Christmas mice and make sure they were displayed, no matter what "theme" Mom had picked out. Going through Mom's Christmas decor was always an adventure. Because she was so crafty and creative, she was always making a new decoration, wall hanging, wooden display, Santa Clause, and centerpieces. The list of what Mom made each year could go on and on. My daughters and I have tried to keep up with Mom's tradition by making things each year. But what we make is more for gifts than just Christmas decor. All the same, we get together and create something special and unique. The important part as well as the cherished part is just getting together. We laugh, cry, eat, drink and are very merry! We make memories.
This Christmas is a quiet one. My house seems empty. The song and spirit of Christmas is a very quiet one. All my children have officially left the nest this year so getting into the spirit of the season has been a tough one. This is also our first family Christmas without Mom. Dad keeps threatening to run away so he doesn't have to celebrate the holiday with us. I am going to decorate his house whether he wants it or not. I actually know that he does want it. He just doesn't want to do it himself. I caught him watching a Christmas special and he was smiling about it. He is so funny. Big strong man, hiding his emotions, but truth be known, he misses Mom terribly, as do all of us.
Our future Christmas' will be full of children and laughter. My nephew, Garrett is two and his baby brother will be 4 months. Next year, I will have a grandchild of my own to spoil and make special gifts for. Even though Mom is not with us, her spirit is. The twinkle in her eye lives on and we will sing at the top of our lungs the Christmas carols in spite of ourselves.
I know this is a short blog today, but more than anything, I wanted to express that even though there is an absent of our beloved. Being full of joy and celebrating the season of Christmas should never be a time of sadness! Christmas represents the Birth of Jesus Christ and that is nothing to cry over. Even if you don't believe in the Christ child and you celebrate because of St. Nicholas, again, it is a reason for joy, not sorrow.
I believe this is the season to love others and bless those less fortunate than yourselves. Reach out and be kind. It is not about the presents, it is about caring, sharing and being thankful and grateful.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
October ~ Leaf in the Wind
It is October and the leaves are falling from the trees around my house. We have several Maple trees so the leaves are large, yellow and orange. It is quite a sight when they fall, and loud too. The ground has a blanket of color on it from the leaves that have already fallen. The birds gather around the feeder and chirp and chat enjoying the treats of seeds I put out for them. It is hard to believe that a year ago, this very month, and much to my dismay, my youngest daughter moved out. I was dealing with migraines from all the stress I was dealing with and we started Mom on Hospice. It may have been pretty outside with all the colorful leaves, but inside, it was dark, black and gray.
Each leaf that fell sounded like rain and felt bitter and cold. I felt like my life was unraveling. My family was separating and disagreeable. My Father was moody, stressed out with Mom's condition, and I needed to find a quiet space! After sporting a migraine for a week, I decided see the doctor myself. More of the same stuff for me; Stress causes my migraines to increase in size and length; was the diagnosis. Perfect, I thought. I didn't see any relief in the near future.
My daughter broke my heart. My stressed out Father, hurt my feelings. My dear Mother was dying. And I was alone. Alone with my broken heart, hurt feelings and missing my best friend as she lay in bed or sat in her chair, unable to communicate with me like we had so many times before. I would call out to God and ask where He was in all of this.
Fall, the season before Winter. The slowing down of life, just before death. I wanted to run, run right in to Spring! I want life and happiness and laughter! I want my daughter to come home and my Mom to be well! But life had another story for me tell and it wasn't the one I wanted to be a part of. It was difficult not to be full of dismay.
I clung to my faith as it gave me hope. Even though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I still tried to fear no evil, knowing that God was with me. He just had to be. I knew that I just couldn't continue to go on without some other source of strength.
Reflecting back on last October brings both sorrow and comfort. Sorrow for what went on that month, for what was lost. Comfort for knowing that Mom is in a better place, my daughter and I are communicating again. My Father is still in mourning. He misses Mom. I can tell the holidays this year will be tough on him. They will be tough on all of us.
I now have my quiet place. I sit there and enjoy the colors that October brings. I read my Bible and meditate and reflect. I miss my Mom too. Life has forever been changed for us. We were such a tight knit family, and now, we are frayed at the edges. I pray for us to be mended, and I reject the thought of us being so unraveled that we are just strands of fray from the past.
Even thought it is October, I am still looking for new life. New ways to grow and be creative. I began knitting items for Christmas presents. Mom and I would always try to make something for Christmas. I am keeping up with tradition. It may feel like darkness is coming, but I am not dead! I choose to surround myself with living color and rejoice and praise all that is worth living for!
I know Winter will come, but I've got a fire, and a twinkle in my eye!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The First Fall
Fall, Autumn, Fomhar, Osen`, Herbst, Herfst, Automne
Whatever you call it, it has arrived. The nights are longer and colder. The days here where I live are wet and foggy. The geese are flying south and the air is full of colorful leaves as they make there way to the ground. The land and its creatures are all preparing for Winter. Even though it is a few months away, you can tell the time is drawing nigh. Creatures are storing last minute food supplies and the deer that were normally comfortable in my yard are not to be seen, for they have gone deeper into the woods that are near my house.
School has started for all ages, from the pre-school children up to those returning to college to further their education. Warm jackets are coming out of storage as well as socks for us here in Oregon.
Retail stores are pulling out decorations for all of the end of the year holidays, from Rosh Hashanah to Eid al-Adah to Halloween to Day of the Dead to Veterans Day to Thanksgiving to Hanukah to Yule to Christmas. Plus some more I didn't list.
Recipes are posted on every type of social media. Bake this cake, or pie, or chicken pot pie, or try these cookies, or this comfort food casserole. Eat, eat and be merry. It's not that I don't enjoy the different recipes, it is that I want to enter into each holiday one at a time.
This year is the first year of "firsts" after the death of my mother. This will be our first Fall. Our first Halloween. Our first Thanksgiving. Our first Christmas. Our first without the one who made us all come together and have family time. The one who picked out what decor to put out and when to put it out. The one I did all my shopping with. The one who decided on the main course for our big family dinners and the one who was always in the middle of the planning. The one who is now gone away from us.
Grief has many stages. Denial, anger, and sadness are all parts of the process of letting go of the one you loved and lost. There is also a stage of "firsts". The first year is full of events that were once familiar and hold many expectations and memories of the loved one. This year can be a tough one for many people. Our family is experiencing our ups and downs that come with the first year after Mom has passed away. We have good days and bad days.
So often when I am alone I want to just pick up the phone and call my Mom. I just want to hear her voice and catch her up on my life. On the life of my kids, on all the changes that are still happening in the world. I want to complain to her and laugh with her, cry with her. We could talk for hours and still have more to say. Now, I hardly talk at all.
We were creative partners. We did crafts every holiday and as each one approaches, I still look for things for us to do, but then lose the desire to do it. This is part of my grief process. Mourning over the things that we did together. She was an amazing cook and baker. So I went through a stage where I wanted to read all her cookbooks and see what notes she had in them and I started baking things for my Dad. Of course they were not as good as my Mom's. So I stopped baking, again, part of the grieving process.
Our emotions are still wounded and we can be somewhat sensitive or insensitive to each other and each other's needs. Being aware of the fact that grief is different for everyone is really important. No one feels the same way. We may share similar feelings, but we each "feel" in our own way. Respect for each other's space is also important. Since I am here with my Dad and we are so much alike, our space is very important. My brother is like Mom and the peacemaker. But he is busy with his new son, Gavin as well as with Garrett. His growing family stays active and seeing them is a treat.
As I close this post for today, I want to encourage anyone who is grieving to make sure they understand what they are feeling and why. It is ok to be angry and sad, but don't let those feeling control you. You are in charge of your life and how you deal with it. Allow yourself to feel, to mourn, but also allow yourself to live!
Me, well, I am doing ok. Some days are tough, but most are not. I put on my happy face and look for the good things out there. Like the fact that I can hear the birds sing. I am thankful for what I have and who I share it with.
Be Strong and Carry On!
Monday, August 12, 2013
Life goes on....
One thing to you can be sure of is that life goes on, with or without your involvement. Our lives have been forever changed by ALS, in fact we were all personally changed because of it. Nothing about our futures happened the way we thought it would.
We thought that Mom would live to be in her 90's, and we thought she would outlive Dad. After all she was ten years younger than him. My brother and I even discussed how we would take care of our aging parents. But as of yet, we didn't look at them as being old. Mom was planning on working till she was at least 70. When she passed she was only 66. Dad, who was 76 was still working until it was apparent that Mom needed him home more. I was doing fine taking care of her, Dad just wanted to be there. And that was ok with me.
My parents were full of life and still very much in love. Even today, Dad talks about how good they were together. He keeps the house just the way she liked it as if she would arrive home any day.
It has been five months since Mom has passed away and we keep her memory alive each day. Everything reminds me of her and quite often I wish I could just call her up and chat awhile. Because life still goes on.
My daughter just got married and I am expecting another nephew any day now. Birthdays have come and gone as well as a couple of holidays. Mom and Dad's anniversary was this month. Life goes on.
Dad has gone back to work. Me, well, I am still trying to figure out what to do now. I made so many changes to be here for Mom. Now, well, I am just here.
I do plan on still blogging about our journey. Because I don't believe that you actually ever get over something. It just becomes part of who you are.
Thank you for reading this blog and being a part of our lives.
More to come.....
We thought that Mom would live to be in her 90's, and we thought she would outlive Dad. After all she was ten years younger than him. My brother and I even discussed how we would take care of our aging parents. But as of yet, we didn't look at them as being old. Mom was planning on working till she was at least 70. When she passed she was only 66. Dad, who was 76 was still working until it was apparent that Mom needed him home more. I was doing fine taking care of her, Dad just wanted to be there. And that was ok with me.
My parents were full of life and still very much in love. Even today, Dad talks about how good they were together. He keeps the house just the way she liked it as if she would arrive home any day.
It has been five months since Mom has passed away and we keep her memory alive each day. Everything reminds me of her and quite often I wish I could just call her up and chat awhile. Because life still goes on.
My daughter just got married and I am expecting another nephew any day now. Birthdays have come and gone as well as a couple of holidays. Mom and Dad's anniversary was this month. Life goes on.
Dad has gone back to work. Me, well, I am still trying to figure out what to do now. I made so many changes to be here for Mom. Now, well, I am just here.
I do plan on still blogging about our journey. Because I don't believe that you actually ever get over something. It just becomes part of who you are.
Thank you for reading this blog and being a part of our lives.
More to come.....
Happy New Year????
Even though our attitudes were upbeat, we could not ignore the signs that we were facing a struggle ahead. Mom was just too tired for her normal activity. Her baths were now sponge baths in bed as it was just to traumatizing for her to be moved to the shower bench and back. She no longer had the strength in her upper body to hold herself up, so we had to do it for her if she was not in bed or in her chair.
Her eating became less and less. We had to wake her just to keep up the nutrients in her body. Another thing was we had to be careful not to overfeed her, that was a risk as well. Her medicines began to change as well. She needed more of the medicine to help her relax and breath and less of the blood pressure medicine. She was using oxygen most all the time now.
The changes in her just from December to January were dramatic. Her voice was all but gone. And she would call out to me, "maamaa" and I would come to her side. That was pretty much all she could say. She wrote everything else down and that was becoming a struggle. I kept her last notes. They were hard to read, not because of the handwriting, but because of what she had written.
I called her closest friends and family, told them they should come visit. We just didn't have a timeline anymore and if they wanted to see Mom, they needed to come.
Mom could only handle visiting for a short time before she just had to sleep. The company was good for Dad. He was with her constantly. Making sure her legs were in the right spot. Or that she was warm or cool enough. Adjusting the oxygen tube so that she was comfortable. Calling her his Beautiful Lady, and kissing her on her forehead. He was amazing. His love for his bride was beyond compare. He worried about her terribly but would not let it show in front of her. We had quiet talks about the future and he would tear up, and I knew we had to stop and finish later.
The future was hard to think about. Actually, the future without Mom was hard to think about.
She and Dad had been married over 48 years. Not counting the four years that they dated before they got married. Over their marriage they helped out several family and friends in various ways. At one point Dad and I counted over 20 people had lived with them, and they helped purchase 7 cars/trucks for people. They were very involved in their church and invited many people over for dinner. They were always involved in something. Mom did several weddings and made quilts for babies and Teen Challenge men. I can't remember when they were not busy helping someone else out.
Even now, at this horrible time in their lives, they seemed to bless those who came to visit.
January ended with Mom once again stable. She was tired and slept most of the day, as well as all night. But she was stable again. We found comfort in that.
February came with Mom's breathing once again a struggle. She was short of breath quite often and needed air circulating in the house as well as being on the Oxygen. We started to use the morphine again to give her comfort. On The 11th of February, the nurse came and stated that we should think about a hospital bed for Mom. We agreed, it would be delivered on Thursday, Valentine's day.
My daughter Amber, who lived away at this time, came to visit. It was good for Mom, she smiled a lot and enjoyed us girls together again.
This visit was a special one.
Her eating became less and less. We had to wake her just to keep up the nutrients in her body. Another thing was we had to be careful not to overfeed her, that was a risk as well. Her medicines began to change as well. She needed more of the medicine to help her relax and breath and less of the blood pressure medicine. She was using oxygen most all the time now.
The changes in her just from December to January were dramatic. Her voice was all but gone. And she would call out to me, "maamaa" and I would come to her side. That was pretty much all she could say. She wrote everything else down and that was becoming a struggle. I kept her last notes. They were hard to read, not because of the handwriting, but because of what she had written.
I called her closest friends and family, told them they should come visit. We just didn't have a timeline anymore and if they wanted to see Mom, they needed to come.
Mom could only handle visiting for a short time before she just had to sleep. The company was good for Dad. He was with her constantly. Making sure her legs were in the right spot. Or that she was warm or cool enough. Adjusting the oxygen tube so that she was comfortable. Calling her his Beautiful Lady, and kissing her on her forehead. He was amazing. His love for his bride was beyond compare. He worried about her terribly but would not let it show in front of her. We had quiet talks about the future and he would tear up, and I knew we had to stop and finish later.
The future was hard to think about. Actually, the future without Mom was hard to think about.
She and Dad had been married over 48 years. Not counting the four years that they dated before they got married. Over their marriage they helped out several family and friends in various ways. At one point Dad and I counted over 20 people had lived with them, and they helped purchase 7 cars/trucks for people. They were very involved in their church and invited many people over for dinner. They were always involved in something. Mom did several weddings and made quilts for babies and Teen Challenge men. I can't remember when they were not busy helping someone else out.
Even now, at this horrible time in their lives, they seemed to bless those who came to visit.
January ended with Mom once again stable. She was tired and slept most of the day, as well as all night. But she was stable again. We found comfort in that.
February came with Mom's breathing once again a struggle. She was short of breath quite often and needed air circulating in the house as well as being on the Oxygen. We started to use the morphine again to give her comfort. On The 11th of February, the nurse came and stated that we should think about a hospital bed for Mom. We agreed, it would be delivered on Thursday, Valentine's day.
My daughter Amber, who lived away at this time, came to visit. It was good for Mom, she smiled a lot and enjoyed us girls together again.
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| Amber feeding her Nana, last time they were together. |
The hospital bed arrived on time on Valentines Day. So did the nurse. She listened to Mom's lungs and after a brief visit with Mom, we put her down to rest. The nurse spoke with my Dad and I, along with my son, David who was there. She said that Mom's lungs were fading and her breathing was shallow. We were told that this could last several days and then she would most likely just fade away in her sleep. It could perhaps even be a couple of weeks. So we were to keep her as comfortable as possible and just ride it out. Keep feeding, but be aware of how much she would actually need. Since most likely she would not get out of bed much, if at all.
Mom did get out of bed. She got up that afternoon and stayed up till 11 PM that night. My husband surprised us with a visit. And we all talked about how Mom and Dad had their first date on Valentines day some 52 years ago and how that was the holiday that Dad always bought a card on for Mom. They even had their first kiss on Valentines day! We teased them and they teased us. We laughed and Mom's eyes sparkled and it was good.
We put mom in the hospital bed that night around 11 PM. We all told her we loved her and Dad and I kissed her forehead. I hugged her, she hugged me back. Dad went to bed in a single bed next to Mom. We went to our room, and snuggled, so glad my husband was here. I filled him in on the day and what our near future may hold. We drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.
Dad called me at 4:30 AM, (it was the morning of the 15th), "She's gone" he said with a crack in his voice. "What, NO, it's not time!" was my response.
I ran to their room, there she was, looking like she was just sleeping, but she wasn't breathing, still warm, he woke up because it just didn't sound right. He had heard her take her last breath and that woke him up. He was so attentive to her every sound and movement. He said he just knew something wasn't quite right. I was on one side of her, Dad on the other. I held her hand and cried. "It's just too soon! We just got the hospital bed! This can't be real!"
I looked over at Dad, he was crying, he told me not to talk to him, he just couldn't take it right now. He needed time.
I called Hospice. The funeral home director came next, I took care of that too. Got an outfit out for Mom, the one she wanted to be in for this moment. They came and took Mom away and the bed was empty. Sam, her little dog, was sad and confused. He was always with her. Now he too was alone.
My husband called the kids and my Dad called my brother. We were all in a fog. The air was heavy and our hearts were broken. How can we console each other when we were each hurting so badly in our own ways? We all mourned for the loss of our beloved Mom, Wife, Nana, Friend, our Lottie.
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| My Angel Mother |
Monday, July 29, 2013
Christmas is coming!
"Happy Happy Happy!" was the motto of the month for us! Christmas is coming along with a couple of Birthdays, so we need our party hats on our head and smiles on our faces!
Our month actually started out kind of frustrating. A Red Tail Hawk decided to attack our chickens. It killed our two Silky chickens first, then an Americana chicken, then a Buff Orpington. We were NOT happy. Moreover this hawk is a protected bird. Hmph! The nerve! Our poor "girls" were scared and didn't want to be apart from us. And we worried each time we heard a squawk! We were told by the Fish and Wildlife Dept. that we could fire a few shots in the air, to scare the hawk. It seemed to work, at least for now.
My birthday and Ashley's birthday always meant a lunch to celebrate. We went out and had a great time with some family and friends. That was a morale booster for Mom. She seemed to be getting a handle on things now. We had Christmas to plan for and we even did some shopping. Mom got a new dress to wear and some new nightgowns too. She helped me make a blanket for my husband and we chatted about what I was sewing for the family this year. We always had homemade gifts along with the bought-en ones. She was working on crocheting washcloths and I was sewing potholders, aprons and totes. Ann still came over and made items to help Mom be more comfortable. Her friend Linda came over too. It looked like we were going to have a happy month after all!
We played Christmas music all month long and sang along with joy in our heart! Well, ok, I sang and made Mom laugh! She was a better singer than I and I have a tendency to get a bit goofy on the traditional songs. Mom was planning what we should have for Christmas dinner, even though she could not eat any of it, she still enjoyed the smells of a great meal. We baked and decorated cookies. We shopped on line, and wrapped presents as they came in the mail.
Mom actually became a bit more active this month. She was enjoying being involved in all the Holiday activities and the music helped too. She smiled more and laughed more and shook her finger at me more. Most likely she didn't approve of my dancing to the music.... hahahaha
It was good to see her this way. It was encouraging. We did have to face an ongoing issue with ALS though. She was having more and more trouble keeping herself up. Holding up her upper body was becoming difficult. Her muscles were weak and no longer communicating with her brain. So her faithful friend Ann, made supports for each side while she was in her chair and that helped tremendously. It was easier for Mom to breath with these supports and it also helped with her fatigue. She was getting more and more tired with each effort to support herself, now with what Ann made, she was able to sit up and not have to strain so much.
Christmas day was full of joy and laughter! We all enjoyed the company of each other and laughed at how Garrett was more interested in everyone's gifts but his own. He is quite the kid! Mom did outstanding! She was in a great mood and felt wonderful. She sat with us at each meal and chatted along with us as we ate. Christmas was as perfect as we could have asked for. We read the Christmas story out of the Bible and all prayed together. It was a Hallmark card in the making.
December ended with a simple anniversary celebration for my husband and I. Mom was stable and comfortable. We were all full and satisfied. Life was going ok. We all welcomed the New Year and our expectations were positive and we believed our futures were bright.
Our month actually started out kind of frustrating. A Red Tail Hawk decided to attack our chickens. It killed our two Silky chickens first, then an Americana chicken, then a Buff Orpington. We were NOT happy. Moreover this hawk is a protected bird. Hmph! The nerve! Our poor "girls" were scared and didn't want to be apart from us. And we worried each time we heard a squawk! We were told by the Fish and Wildlife Dept. that we could fire a few shots in the air, to scare the hawk. It seemed to work, at least for now.
My birthday and Ashley's birthday always meant a lunch to celebrate. We went out and had a great time with some family and friends. That was a morale booster for Mom. She seemed to be getting a handle on things now. We had Christmas to plan for and we even did some shopping. Mom got a new dress to wear and some new nightgowns too. She helped me make a blanket for my husband and we chatted about what I was sewing for the family this year. We always had homemade gifts along with the bought-en ones. She was working on crocheting washcloths and I was sewing potholders, aprons and totes. Ann still came over and made items to help Mom be more comfortable. Her friend Linda came over too. It looked like we were going to have a happy month after all!
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| Mom in her new blue dress, ready to have lunch with friends. |
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| Daniel helping "Nana" Mom wrap presents for Christmas. |
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| Mom on Christmas morning in her new nightgown! |
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| Our little tree! Nothing too big, or she can't drive around it! |
Mom actually became a bit more active this month. She was enjoying being involved in all the Holiday activities and the music helped too. She smiled more and laughed more and shook her finger at me more. Most likely she didn't approve of my dancing to the music.... hahahaha
It was good to see her this way. It was encouraging. We did have to face an ongoing issue with ALS though. She was having more and more trouble keeping herself up. Holding up her upper body was becoming difficult. Her muscles were weak and no longer communicating with her brain. So her faithful friend Ann, made supports for each side while she was in her chair and that helped tremendously. It was easier for Mom to breath with these supports and it also helped with her fatigue. She was getting more and more tired with each effort to support herself, now with what Ann made, she was able to sit up and not have to strain so much.
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| Mom helping me with making the blanket for my husband. |
December ended with a simple anniversary celebration for my husband and I. Mom was stable and comfortable. We were all full and satisfied. Life was going ok. We all welcomed the New Year and our expectations were positive and we believed our futures were bright.
Falling up and down
November started out as a quiet normal month. The Hospice nurses and aids were coming out on a regular time schedule and Ann came over and sewed "convenience" items for Mom. We had a few visits from friends and that is always a moral pick up for Mom.
Garrett turned one! Mom was able to go to his first birthday party! It was important to her to be there for her newest grandson! It was good to be out again and enjoying others in a public place.
Mom really enjoyed herself and she was happy.....
Then we had a tragedy. A very close family member to us, to my Mom, passed away from Stomach cancer. She was diagnosed just after Mom was with her ALS. So they have been corresponding with each other, encouraging each other, praying for each other. Both wanted to live and beat their diseases. Both were strong women, with even stronger faith.
I heard Mom cry out "Noooooo, Not Diana!" Then she slumped in her chair and just bawled! Her crying was uncontrollable. It came from deep within her. She couldn't stop the grief from coming out. It was hard for her to breath, so she went on Oxygen, then on morphine. It was the first time she had to take some, only a couple of drops to get her to be able to breath. She was unable to control the grief, so we had to intervene. She needed to breath and she needed rest.
She cried for Diana, she cried for the loss of an angel on earth and she cried for her own fate. She knew it was coming and the pain of the reality just couldn't be held in any longer. It broke me. After Mom was resting, I went to the opposite end of the house and closed myself in a room, still able to hear her if she needed me, and quietly wept. "How are we going to get through this?" was my cry out to God. "Where are you in all of this?"
Thanksgiving came by surprise. It was all a blur. We had each other, Mom was still here, so we were thankful, but we all still hurt over the loss of Diana and were all worried about Mom. It was a quiet day.
Mom's sister and brother in law came to visit. It was her daughter that passed away. So the visit was short, but my Aunt just had to see Mom one more time. Traveling was hard on her. My Aunt was the oldest, Mom was the youngest in a family of six kids. Mom was basically raised with my Aunts children. So she was very close to that family. The visit was a sweet one, but sadness still lingered between them both.
The grief took its toll on Mom. She had digressed some, too much. Her speech was obviously effected and so was her moral. It seemed as though she was giving up. She was just sad and begin to show an "I don't care anymore" attitude. This had to change. I wasn't going to let her give up that easy, nope, not happening on my watch!
We needed to refocus, that was my new plan, changing the atmosphere. One from sadness and sorrow to happy, happy, happy!
Friday, July 19, 2013
As the season changes
As the season changes, so do we. We can't help it. Oh some of our traits stay the same, but life changes us. What we experience changes us. We cannot flee circumstances. We can only choose how do deal with them.
September was a quiet month. Nothing out of the ordinary at least. Ashley moved closer to us, that was good. She was a real blessing around the house. Amber was also there, helping where she could. It was nice to have both of my daughters there. Mom enjoyed having them around. She was always asking them to "bake" something. Mom lived her life though us, cooking, cleaning, laundry and sewing. Her friend Ann came over and she and I sewed together. She made things for Mom and I just tried to make things... anything. I was still learning how to use the machines Mom had to their fullest potential.
Dad's birthday was this month. We made him a German Chocolate Cake, his favorite next to Angel Food. It was a quiet celebration. Mom was mostly getting her food through her tube, so eating cake was a treat. She just never felt hungry and swallowing was such a chore.
Now mind you, Mom was still using the facilities. She had great bladder control and we would lift her out of her chair onto the toilet and then back to her chair again. She was just about completely reliant on us for her transfers. Her legs were useless to her. Same with the shower. I would lift her onto the shower seat and then pick her up when it was done. Help her dry off and dress her. I dressed her everyday. Helped her with her hair and such. She needed us, either myself or Dad, 24/7 at this point.
We started having visitors. Outside visitors, other than family. It was nice since Mom was home-bound. She needed people to come and see her. Oh we could go out, it was just so tiring on her that we saved our trips for doctor appointments and special occasions only.
It begin to be clear that Mom was getting more and more tired. Her body just wasn't regenerating itself anymore. She had lost weight by not eating, but was maintaining a steady weight now that she was tube fed. Her arms were tired and it was obvious that sitting up on her own was becoming difficult.
Her spirits were up and we chatted about her quality of life. Quality, that was our focus now. What can we do to make it better for her? She was not on any pain medicine, except for her hips, she had bursitis. The ALS was not painful. That was a blessing.
October ended with us starting Mom on Hospice. We needed extra help and Mom needed the extra attention. They were nothing short of wonderful! Mom had a nurse come twice a week to check up on her and bath aids also twice a week. She was blessed with a massage once a week. We couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be working with. They all spoiled Mom.
We were also blessed with more friends coming to visit. We had lunches with a couple of ladies that were special to Mom and then a life long couple from Montana came to visit. It was such a special time. Mom's voice was going so I had to interpret quite a bit, or she would write down what she wanted to say. But her eyes sparkled and you could just tell she was happy. Regardless of the fate ahead of her, she was sweet and blessed those who came to see her.
Mom's circumstances changed her. She was a strong, independent woman who took great pride in her marriage and family. She loved the Lord and loved serving Him. Mom was active in many activities, including her quilt club, gardening, painting and crafts. She loved to create and decorate. She also enjoyed singing and listening to the Gathers on CD. Now Mom was a totally dependent woman, who could barely sit up with out support. She could hardly be understood when she was speaking, her voice weak and full of air. She could no longer cry, it was just to hard on her body to do that. She relied on Dad and I to dress her, bath her and feed her. But all of this, these changes, were just circumstances. Mom was still Mom. She still loved all those things, she just was not in a position to partake in them. Her mind was clear and sharp and she still loved serving the Lord. She still took pride in her marriage and family. And watching quilting shows on TV still brought her joy! Circumstances changed her outwardly, but inwardly, Mom was dealing with it. And she was still that strong independent woman that raised me to be the same.
September was a quiet month. Nothing out of the ordinary at least. Ashley moved closer to us, that was good. She was a real blessing around the house. Amber was also there, helping where she could. It was nice to have both of my daughters there. Mom enjoyed having them around. She was always asking them to "bake" something. Mom lived her life though us, cooking, cleaning, laundry and sewing. Her friend Ann came over and she and I sewed together. She made things for Mom and I just tried to make things... anything. I was still learning how to use the machines Mom had to their fullest potential.
Dad's birthday was this month. We made him a German Chocolate Cake, his favorite next to Angel Food. It was a quiet celebration. Mom was mostly getting her food through her tube, so eating cake was a treat. She just never felt hungry and swallowing was such a chore.
Now mind you, Mom was still using the facilities. She had great bladder control and we would lift her out of her chair onto the toilet and then back to her chair again. She was just about completely reliant on us for her transfers. Her legs were useless to her. Same with the shower. I would lift her onto the shower seat and then pick her up when it was done. Help her dry off and dress her. I dressed her everyday. Helped her with her hair and such. She needed us, either myself or Dad, 24/7 at this point.
We started having visitors. Outside visitors, other than family. It was nice since Mom was home-bound. She needed people to come and see her. Oh we could go out, it was just so tiring on her that we saved our trips for doctor appointments and special occasions only.
It begin to be clear that Mom was getting more and more tired. Her body just wasn't regenerating itself anymore. She had lost weight by not eating, but was maintaining a steady weight now that she was tube fed. Her arms were tired and it was obvious that sitting up on her own was becoming difficult.
Her spirits were up and we chatted about her quality of life. Quality, that was our focus now. What can we do to make it better for her? She was not on any pain medicine, except for her hips, she had bursitis. The ALS was not painful. That was a blessing.
October ended with us starting Mom on Hospice. We needed extra help and Mom needed the extra attention. They were nothing short of wonderful! Mom had a nurse come twice a week to check up on her and bath aids also twice a week. She was blessed with a massage once a week. We couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be working with. They all spoiled Mom.
We were also blessed with more friends coming to visit. We had lunches with a couple of ladies that were special to Mom and then a life long couple from Montana came to visit. It was such a special time. Mom's voice was going so I had to interpret quite a bit, or she would write down what she wanted to say. But her eyes sparkled and you could just tell she was happy. Regardless of the fate ahead of her, she was sweet and blessed those who came to see her.
Mom's circumstances changed her. She was a strong, independent woman who took great pride in her marriage and family. She loved the Lord and loved serving Him. Mom was active in many activities, including her quilt club, gardening, painting and crafts. She loved to create and decorate. She also enjoyed singing and listening to the Gathers on CD. Now Mom was a totally dependent woman, who could barely sit up with out support. She could hardly be understood when she was speaking, her voice weak and full of air. She could no longer cry, it was just to hard on her body to do that. She relied on Dad and I to dress her, bath her and feed her. But all of this, these changes, were just circumstances. Mom was still Mom. She still loved all those things, she just was not in a position to partake in them. Her mind was clear and sharp and she still loved serving the Lord. She still took pride in her marriage and family. And watching quilting shows on TV still brought her joy! Circumstances changed her outwardly, but inwardly, Mom was dealing with it. And she was still that strong independent woman that raised me to be the same.
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| Here is Dad feeding Mom thru the PEG tube early in the morning. |
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| Mom getting a hair cut from my cousin Stef! |
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| Mom and Dad with Baby Garrett. He loved to go for rides on her chair. |
October ended with our weeks pretty much on a schedule. Nurse visits, Bath Aids and the once a week Massage for Mom took care of all our extra time. Ann still came over once a week to sew and to spend time with Mom. Hard to believe that they have known each other for over 20 years! Mom's other friend Linda also came to visit. Moms mental state was good. Physically she was changing, but her mind was good. And the fact that she was not forgotten, helped!
Oh, and one more thing this month, another life long friend of hers and one of mine were doing the sweetest thing, sending cards every month plus more. Mom would light up with each card she got in the mail! Again, not to be forgotten, that was good food for her soul!
Don't worry Mom, we wont forget you!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Dear Mom
Dear Mom,
It has only been a few months since you have left us. And I just want to tell you how much we all miss you. We miss your smile, your laugh, your jokes. I even miss you telling me where I missed spots while cleaning. I miss our inside jokes that we had together. Everyone misses you. The grandchildren all miss you. Brother misses you, and most of all, Dad misses you!
I still fix Dad dinner each night and we visit about his day. I am sure you're glad for that! I know how you loved all his stories. We talk about his day, then mine. Anything new that happened with the kids and then he tells me if he needs anything. Bread, lunch meat, fruit... Then we talk about you. Some days are easier than others. I know that it is still hard for him. He loves you sooo much! He takes care of the house for you, and your flowers. It's important to him that everything is the same. Just like you left it.
I miss being able to just give you a call and vent or tell you something funny. So many times I find myself sitting in silence, wishing I was talking to you. It hurts not having you here. But I know that you are in a better place, jumping up and down and praising God and having a wonderful time!
So much is happening right now, you were supposed to be here for. Ashley is getting married on yours and Dad's anniversary! It will be a quiet private wedding. Out in the yard, by your flowers. The boys are getting ready to leave for college and Garrett is getting so big now. The new baby will be here soon and Brother will then have two sons!
I wish I was working on the wedding details with you. Or at least getting your advice on what to serve and how much we need of certain items. I know you will be watching, smiling, looking down on all of us with your tender eyes.
So much to say mom, but most importantly, I love you. You are beautiful and always in my heart! Thank you for being you!
Love,
Your Daughter
It has only been a few months since you have left us. And I just want to tell you how much we all miss you. We miss your smile, your laugh, your jokes. I even miss you telling me where I missed spots while cleaning. I miss our inside jokes that we had together. Everyone misses you. The grandchildren all miss you. Brother misses you, and most of all, Dad misses you!
I still fix Dad dinner each night and we visit about his day. I am sure you're glad for that! I know how you loved all his stories. We talk about his day, then mine. Anything new that happened with the kids and then he tells me if he needs anything. Bread, lunch meat, fruit... Then we talk about you. Some days are easier than others. I know that it is still hard for him. He loves you sooo much! He takes care of the house for you, and your flowers. It's important to him that everything is the same. Just like you left it.
I miss being able to just give you a call and vent or tell you something funny. So many times I find myself sitting in silence, wishing I was talking to you. It hurts not having you here. But I know that you are in a better place, jumping up and down and praising God and having a wonderful time!
So much is happening right now, you were supposed to be here for. Ashley is getting married on yours and Dad's anniversary! It will be a quiet private wedding. Out in the yard, by your flowers. The boys are getting ready to leave for college and Garrett is getting so big now. The new baby will be here soon and Brother will then have two sons!
I wish I was working on the wedding details with you. Or at least getting your advice on what to serve and how much we need of certain items. I know you will be watching, smiling, looking down on all of us with your tender eyes.
So much to say mom, but most importantly, I love you. You are beautiful and always in my heart! Thank you for being you!
Love,
Your Daughter
Summer Fun ~
After a wonderful visit with my husbands family, we arrived back in town in time to take mom to her MDA/ALS doctors appointment. She had an appointment to see the Oregon Lung Specialist just before seeing her normal group of doctors for ALS.
The appointment didn't bring much good news. Mom was losing weight and was more fatigued than usual. Her speech was also digressing. So they gave us a lot of good recommendations for her and then the really bad news came. First of all her lungs were now at 31% of normal predicted value. Not good. Also, they recommended a PEG tube to be inserted into her stomach for feeding. She could still eat soft foods but she just wasn't getting the nourishment that she needed. We got an order for suction equipment for the extra saliva that she couldn't swallow. Also, she needed to be using the oxygen more. All in all they ended with giving us hope. Telling us that these are normal things we would be dealing with and that she could become stable and manage for quite some time like this.
Ok, positive thinking.... that is how we left it. We would be going to more speech and swallowing therapy and some physical therapy as well. It was fine. All fine.... and dandy.
August started off with Mom and Dad's 48th Wedding Anniversary! Mom got all dressed up and Dad took his Bride out to dinner with some close friends. It was so sweet. Dad started taking pictures of her, telling her how beautiful she was. I just smiled and waved, laughed and told them not to be out too late!
Mom looked great too. After they left, I went inside and cried. I cried because Dad couldn't and neither could Mom. I cried for both of them, we all knew, even though no one said it, it would be their last Anniversary together. So, I cried.
The month filled up fast with Mom and her leading men. She saw the doctor for the surgery in putting in her PEG tube. She saw Mr. Bill at Physical Therapy, Dr. Mason. Then the actual surgery. And follow up appointments.
It went really well. Just like that she had a feeding tube sticking out of her stomach. We got issued special formula that we quickly nicknamed her "juice" and we started feeding her. A week later, she was in the ER, not able to breath. Her right lung was collapsing. Things just started happening so fast at this point. We made another appointment with the neurologist and then again with the Oregon Lung Specialist and what was coming back to us was not what we expected to hear.
Time for a sit down with the head doctor. "What was REALLY going on here?" I am a realist and I wanted to know just what I was facing. No more surprises!
So he told us. Mom had the Bulbar onset of ALS. Which is why she was at first given a three to five year life expectancy. Now, that was changing according to how fast the ALS was progressing in her body. Now she had a three to six month life expectancy.
Whoa! Hold on! We just went from a few years to a few months! Just like that! We were doing everything they told us to do and more. Mom was seemingly great, except for the breathing part and eating part. Ok, that stuff is important, but months!
Not only that but she was just diagnosed a year ago this month! (August)
That being said, I knew where I needed to be. Dad knew where he needed to be. Right by Mom. My brother came down every weekend and stayed with us. My husband came as often as he could. My kids came over and hung out to just be there, in case she wanted to tell them something, anything.
We were family, a tight one at that. We ate all our meals together as often as we could and Mom and I spent all our time talking, laughing and doing whatever she wanted. Sometimes that was just sitting quietly together, sometimes we chatted up a storm and followed it with showers of laughter. We were just girls together. I kept house for her and she made sure I got all the cobwebs and dust specks that I missed.
Summer was over, and it wasn't much fun. Fall would be better, it just had to be.
The appointment didn't bring much good news. Mom was losing weight and was more fatigued than usual. Her speech was also digressing. So they gave us a lot of good recommendations for her and then the really bad news came. First of all her lungs were now at 31% of normal predicted value. Not good. Also, they recommended a PEG tube to be inserted into her stomach for feeding. She could still eat soft foods but she just wasn't getting the nourishment that she needed. We got an order for suction equipment for the extra saliva that she couldn't swallow. Also, she needed to be using the oxygen more. All in all they ended with giving us hope. Telling us that these are normal things we would be dealing with and that she could become stable and manage for quite some time like this.
Ok, positive thinking.... that is how we left it. We would be going to more speech and swallowing therapy and some physical therapy as well. It was fine. All fine.... and dandy.
August started off with Mom and Dad's 48th Wedding Anniversary! Mom got all dressed up and Dad took his Bride out to dinner with some close friends. It was so sweet. Dad started taking pictures of her, telling her how beautiful she was. I just smiled and waved, laughed and told them not to be out too late!
Mom looked great too. After they left, I went inside and cried. I cried because Dad couldn't and neither could Mom. I cried for both of them, we all knew, even though no one said it, it would be their last Anniversary together. So, I cried.
The month filled up fast with Mom and her leading men. She saw the doctor for the surgery in putting in her PEG tube. She saw Mr. Bill at Physical Therapy, Dr. Mason. Then the actual surgery. And follow up appointments.
It went really well. Just like that she had a feeding tube sticking out of her stomach. We got issued special formula that we quickly nicknamed her "juice" and we started feeding her. A week later, she was in the ER, not able to breath. Her right lung was collapsing. Things just started happening so fast at this point. We made another appointment with the neurologist and then again with the Oregon Lung Specialist and what was coming back to us was not what we expected to hear.
Time for a sit down with the head doctor. "What was REALLY going on here?" I am a realist and I wanted to know just what I was facing. No more surprises!
So he told us. Mom had the Bulbar onset of ALS. Which is why she was at first given a three to five year life expectancy. Now, that was changing according to how fast the ALS was progressing in her body. Now she had a three to six month life expectancy.
Whoa! Hold on! We just went from a few years to a few months! Just like that! We were doing everything they told us to do and more. Mom was seemingly great, except for the breathing part and eating part. Ok, that stuff is important, but months!
Not only that but she was just diagnosed a year ago this month! (August)
That being said, I knew where I needed to be. Dad knew where he needed to be. Right by Mom. My brother came down every weekend and stayed with us. My husband came as often as he could. My kids came over and hung out to just be there, in case she wanted to tell them something, anything.
We were family, a tight one at that. We ate all our meals together as often as we could and Mom and I spent all our time talking, laughing and doing whatever she wanted. Sometimes that was just sitting quietly together, sometimes we chatted up a storm and followed it with showers of laughter. We were just girls together. I kept house for her and she made sure I got all the cobwebs and dust specks that I missed.
Summer was over, and it wasn't much fun. Fall would be better, it just had to be.
Monday, June 17, 2013
April showers bring May flowers
Easter was fun, spent it with family, of course. Loved on Baby Garrett as much as he could stand. We had also bought some baby chicks. Mom enjoyed watching the chicks and also enjoyed holding them. We had these birds so tame, we could pick one up and it would chirp and then cuddle and sleep.
Mom also continued to work on quilts. She and Ann got Amber's and David's quilt ready to put the back on. They were quite the team. It was fun to watch them work together. They made it all look so easy. Now if I could just figure out how to do it!
Mom loved springtime and all the blooming trees! So many beautiful colors in the area where we lived in Oregon. Mom and Dad started planning their trip and would be leaving soon. She was so excited to be able to see old friends and family again. It had been 20 plus years since she and Dad had seem some of these people. Mom was making phone calls and texting and emailing. We went shopping for new outfits that we could pack for Dad to dress her with, color coordinated so that when they did laundry, it was easy for him to put them back together. Everything matched and we packed only what they needed. Mom even got a "smart phone" so that she could navigate for Dad. When they took trips in the past, she held all the maps and he did the driving. This would be just like old times.
We bought a porta-potty for her to use if there wasn't a handicap restroom available. And we packed an extra shower chair. Dad had everything she could possible need on this trip. I was a worried "mama" letting "my beautiful" go off into the world.... I lectured Dad on what Mom needed, he just laughed at me. I told her to call me if she needed anything!!!! But I knew they would be just fine. Dad actually enjoyed doing everything for his bride. She was his everything and he was hers.
The trip was nothing short than amazing. Weather was great, no tornadoes when they went to Illinois, Missouri, nor Minnesota. They hit Montana, Idaho and Wyoming too. Those states were the scheduled stops, they had more in between. Some nights they would stay with family and friends, other nights they had a motel. Dad would let Mom rest and sleep as much as she needed, as not to get her too tired. They took their time and a ton of pictures. They laughed and cried at each visit. So many special people in their lives, she just had to see them one more time. She was happy. She was doing what she loved to do, traveling with Dad, and seeing the people she had loved for a lifetime.
Their trip ended with them meeting me in La Grande, my youngest son was graduating from High School. It was hard to believe that I missed his entire senior year. Sure we skyped and chatted all the time, but I wasn't there, home that is. I have no regrets for moving in with Mom, I wouldn't of changed that for the world. But it didn't change the fact that I was feeling the loss of being there for my son. My family always came first. So I was torn, and it hurt. My husband was there, okay, but I was Mom and next to my husband, my kids were my life. Family, it was all about family.
June turned out to be a great month! After graduation we took a quick trip to California to be there for my cousin's son's wedding. The weather was beautiful and Mom did great! She and Dad couldn't stop talking about how wonderful their "bucket list" trip went. Dad was an excellent nurse to Mom and other than a few down days, everything went off like clockwork.
The end of June was our vacation time. My husband and I took a nationwide trip to see his family back East. Dad and Mom were recuperating from their trips and all was well in the world.
Mom also continued to work on quilts. She and Ann got Amber's and David's quilt ready to put the back on. They were quite the team. It was fun to watch them work together. They made it all look so easy. Now if I could just figure out how to do it!
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| They made a Day and Night quilt for David. |
Mom loved springtime and all the blooming trees! So many beautiful colors in the area where we lived in Oregon. Mom and Dad started planning their trip and would be leaving soon. She was so excited to be able to see old friends and family again. It had been 20 plus years since she and Dad had seem some of these people. Mom was making phone calls and texting and emailing. We went shopping for new outfits that we could pack for Dad to dress her with, color coordinated so that when they did laundry, it was easy for him to put them back together. Everything matched and we packed only what they needed. Mom even got a "smart phone" so that she could navigate for Dad. When they took trips in the past, she held all the maps and he did the driving. This would be just like old times.
We bought a porta-potty for her to use if there wasn't a handicap restroom available. And we packed an extra shower chair. Dad had everything she could possible need on this trip. I was a worried "mama" letting "my beautiful" go off into the world.... I lectured Dad on what Mom needed, he just laughed at me. I told her to call me if she needed anything!!!! But I knew they would be just fine. Dad actually enjoyed doing everything for his bride. She was his everything and he was hers.
The trip was nothing short than amazing. Weather was great, no tornadoes when they went to Illinois, Missouri, nor Minnesota. They hit Montana, Idaho and Wyoming too. Those states were the scheduled stops, they had more in between. Some nights they would stay with family and friends, other nights they had a motel. Dad would let Mom rest and sleep as much as she needed, as not to get her too tired. They took their time and a ton of pictures. They laughed and cried at each visit. So many special people in their lives, she just had to see them one more time. She was happy. She was doing what she loved to do, traveling with Dad, and seeing the people she had loved for a lifetime.
 |
| Mom driving up in to the Van. |
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| Dad saying goodbye to Bella, and closing Mom in the Van. |
Their trip ended with them meeting me in La Grande, my youngest son was graduating from High School. It was hard to believe that I missed his entire senior year. Sure we skyped and chatted all the time, but I wasn't there, home that is. I have no regrets for moving in with Mom, I wouldn't of changed that for the world. But it didn't change the fact that I was feeling the loss of being there for my son. My family always came first. So I was torn, and it hurt. My husband was there, okay, but I was Mom and next to my husband, my kids were my life. Family, it was all about family.
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| Three generations.... My parents, my brother's family and my family. |
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| Laughing at how Garret loved to play with David's hair. |
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| Mom looked good and she was happy. |
The end of June was our vacation time. My husband and I took a nationwide trip to see his family back East. Dad and Mom were recuperating from their trips and all was well in the world.
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