My Christmas Wish

Society says, "Be yourself..... oh, just not that way"
(quote my son shared from a friend of his) This is so sad but true. We encourage our individuality, yet condemn it when it happens. Then society puts labels on people, separating society even farther. Then it becomes Us vs Them. 
What we should all be shouting about and arguing for is the understanding that what really hurts are the labels and condemnation towards ALL of us. Hate goes both ways, so does love. 
I say: Be yourself, cuz that is who I love and appreciate.

I posted the above statement on my Facebook page and felt it blogger worthy. 

Labels prevent greatness to shine forth. It is tragic to live in a day and age where people are defined by labels. It is as if we are doing a Google search on who we want in our friend base. Truth be known: No one person is the same. Not even a clone, they are different in that they are not the original. We need to embrace each other, realizing that we all come from different background and have different life experiences. These are the things that make us so wonderful as individuals. Our eyes are shades of green, brown, blue, and grey; we all see things in a unique light. We gaze out and each one of us will notice something different. Our hearts all sing their own songs and I believe that they should be heard, not quieted. 

Peace comes from within. Not from where we live, work or play. It comes from what is residing in our hearts. Anger and Hate do not generate peace. They generate strife. There are so many issues in today's society, focusing on labels and dividing into the "Us vs Them" categories, does not assist in resolving these issues. 

I am actually OK with not agreeing with others. Just because I don't agree with someone's statement, belief or life style choices, does not give me the right to condemn them and spew hateful labels towards them. If I am to be true to myself, and to my own beliefs, I must give them the same allowance. Just as they haven't walked in my shoes, I haven't walked in theirs, so I cannot claim to be an expert on what is best for them. I can love them for who they are and appreciate their own individual greatness and hopefully glean something from them in a positive way. 

My Christmas Wish: To be a light in the darkness, to help other's shine, and to influence just one person to accept others for who they are and not what society labeled them as. 

Blessings to you all this Christmas Season! 

Christmas Past, Present and Future

Last Christmas was one of HOPE. We had put out the decorations like we always did. Mom was in charge of where everything went. She even decided which theme we would use for the tree. She was happy and alert most of the month. We were all hopeful.

In the past, Mom would be singing Christmas carols at the top of her lungs. And we would listen to all kinds of Christmas music. I would search for my favorite Christmas mice and make sure they were displayed, no matter what "theme" Mom had picked out. Going through Mom's Christmas decor was always an adventure. Because she was so crafty and creative, she was always making a new decoration, wall hanging, wooden display, Santa Clause, and centerpieces. The list of what Mom made each year could go on and on. My daughters and I have tried to keep up with Mom's tradition by making things each year. But what we make is more for gifts than just Christmas decor. All the same, we get together and create something special and unique. The important part as well as the cherished part is just getting together. We laugh, cry, eat, drink and are very merry! We make memories. 

This Christmas is a quiet one. My house seems empty. The song and spirit of Christmas is a very quiet one. All my children have officially left the nest this year so getting into the spirit of the season has been a tough one. This is also our first family Christmas without Mom. Dad keeps threatening to run away so he doesn't have to celebrate the holiday with us. I am going to decorate his house whether he wants it or not. I actually know that he does want it. He just doesn't want to do it himself. I caught him watching a Christmas special and he was smiling about it. He is so funny. Big strong man, hiding his emotions, but truth be known, he misses Mom terribly, as do all of us. 

Our future Christmas' will be full of children and laughter. My nephew, Garrett is two and his baby brother will be 4 months. Next year, I will have a grandchild of my own to spoil and make special gifts for. Even though Mom is not with us, her spirit is. The twinkle in her eye lives on and we will sing at the top of our lungs the Christmas carols in spite of ourselves. 

I know this is a short blog today, but more than anything, I wanted to express that even though there is an absent of our beloved. Being full of joy and celebrating the season of Christmas should never be a time of sadness! Christmas represents the Birth of Jesus Christ and that is nothing to cry over. Even if you don't believe in the Christ child and you celebrate because of St. Nicholas, again, it is a reason for joy, not sorrow. 

I believe this is the season to love others and bless those less fortunate than yourselves. Reach out and be kind. It is not about the presents, it is about caring, sharing and being thankful and grateful.

Merry Christmas!  

October ~ Leaf in the Wind

It is October and the leaves are falling from the trees around my house. We have several Maple trees so the leaves are large, yellow and orange. It is quite a sight when they fall, and loud too. The ground has a blanket of color on it from the leaves that have already fallen. The birds gather around the feeder and chirp and chat enjoying the treats of seeds I put out for them. It is hard to believe that a year ago, this very month, and much to my dismay, my youngest daughter moved out. I was dealing with migraines from all the stress I was dealing with and we started Mom on Hospice. It may have been pretty outside with all the colorful leaves, but inside, it was dark, black and gray. 

Each leaf that fell sounded like rain and felt bitter and cold. I felt like my life was unraveling. My family was separating and disagreeable. My Father was moody, stressed out with Mom's condition, and I needed to find a quiet space! After sporting a migraine for a week, I decided see the doctor myself. More of the same stuff for me;  Stress causes my migraines to increase in size and length; was the diagnosis.  Perfect, I thought. I didn't see any relief in the near future. 

My daughter broke my heart. My stressed out Father, hurt my feelings. My dear Mother was dying. And I was alone. Alone with my broken heart, hurt feelings and missing my best friend as she lay in bed or sat in her chair, unable to communicate with me like we had so many times before. I would call out to God and ask where He was in all of this. 

Fall, the season before Winter. The slowing down of life, just before death. I wanted to run, run right in to Spring! I want life and happiness and laughter! I want my daughter to come home and my Mom to be well! But life had another story for me tell and it wasn't the one I wanted to be a part of. It was difficult not to be full of dismay. 

I clung to my faith as it gave me hope. Even though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I still tried to fear no evil, knowing that God was with me. He just had to be. I knew that I just couldn't continue to go on without some other source of strength. 

Reflecting back on last October brings both sorrow and comfort. Sorrow for what went on that month, for what was lost. Comfort for knowing that Mom is in a better place, my daughter and I are communicating again. My Father is still in mourning. He misses Mom. I can tell the holidays this year will be tough on him. They will be tough on all of us. 

I now have my quiet place. I sit there and enjoy the colors that October brings. I read my Bible and meditate and reflect. I miss my Mom too. Life has forever been changed for us. We were such a tight knit family, and now, we are frayed at the edges. I pray for us to be mended, and I reject the thought of us being so unraveled that we are just strands of fray from the past. 

Even thought it is October, I am still looking for new life. New ways to grow and be creative. I began knitting items for Christmas presents. Mom and I would always try to make something for Christmas. I am keeping up with tradition. It may feel like darkness is coming, but I am not dead! I choose to surround myself with living color and rejoice and praise all that is worth living for! 

I know Winter will come, but I've got a fire, and a twinkle in my eye! 

The First Fall

Fall, Autumn, Fomhar, Osen`, Herbst, Herfst, Automne

Whatever you call it, it has arrived. The nights are longer and colder. The days here where I live are wet and foggy. The geese are flying south and the air is full of colorful leaves as they make there way to the ground. The land and its creatures are all preparing for Winter. Even though it is a few months away, you can tell the time is drawing nigh. Creatures are storing last minute food supplies and the deer that were normally comfortable in my yard are not to be seen, for they have gone deeper into the woods that are near my house. 

School has started for all ages, from the pre-school children up to those returning to college to further their education. Warm jackets are coming out of storage as well as socks for us here in Oregon. 

Retail stores are pulling out decorations for all of the end of the year holidays, from Rosh Hashanah to Eid al-Adah to Halloween to Day of the Dead to Veterans Day to Thanksgiving to Hanukah to Yule to Christmas. Plus some more I didn't list. 

Recipes are posted on every type of social media. Bake this cake, or pie, or chicken pot pie, or try these cookies, or this comfort food casserole. Eat, eat and be merry. It's not that I don't enjoy the different recipes, it is that I want to enter into each holiday one at a time.  

This year is the first year of "firsts" after the death of my mother. This will be our first Fall. Our first Halloween. Our first Thanksgiving. Our first Christmas. Our first without the one who made us all come together and have family time.  The one who picked out what decor to put out and when to put it out. The one I did all my shopping with. The one who decided on the main course for our big family dinners and the one who was always in the middle of the planning. The one who is now gone away from us. 

Grief has many stages. Denial, anger, and sadness are all parts of the process of letting go of the one you loved and lost. There is also a stage of "firsts". The first year is full of events that were once familiar and hold many expectations and memories of the loved one. This year can be a tough one for many people. Our family is experiencing our ups and downs that come with the first year after Mom has passed away. We have good days and bad days. 

So often when I am alone I want to just pick up the phone and call my Mom. I just want to hear her voice and catch her up on my life. On the life of my kids, on all the changes that are still happening in the world. I want to complain to her and laugh with her, cry with her.  We could talk for hours and still have more to say. Now, I hardly talk at all. 

We were creative partners. We did crafts every holiday and as each one approaches, I still look for things for us to do, but then lose the desire to do it. This is part of my grief process. Mourning over the things that we did together. She was an amazing cook and baker. So I went through a stage where I wanted to read all her cookbooks and see what notes she had in them and I started baking things for my Dad. Of course they were not as good as my Mom's. So I stopped baking, again, part of the grieving process. 

Our emotions are still wounded and we can be somewhat sensitive or insensitive to each other and each other's needs. Being aware of the fact that grief is different for everyone is really important. No one feels the same way. We may share similar feelings, but we each "feel" in our own way.  Respect for each other's space is also important. Since I am here with my Dad and we are so much alike, our space is very important. My brother is like Mom and the peacemaker. But he is busy with his new son, Gavin as well as with Garrett. His growing family stays active and seeing them is a treat. 

As I close this post for today, I want to encourage anyone who is grieving to make sure they understand what they are feeling and why. It is ok to be angry and sad, but don't let those feeling control you. You are in charge of your life and how you deal with it. Allow yourself to feel, to mourn, but also allow yourself to live! 

Me, well, I am doing ok. Some days are tough, but most are not. I put on my happy face and look for the good things out there. Like the fact that I can hear the birds sing. I am thankful for what I have and who I share it with. 

Be Strong and Carry On! 

Life goes on....

One thing to you can be sure of is that life goes on, with or without your involvement. Our lives have been forever changed by ALS, in fact we were all personally changed because of it. Nothing about our futures happened the way we thought it would. 

We thought that Mom would live to be in her 90's, and we thought she would outlive Dad. After all she was ten years younger than him. My brother and I even discussed how we would take care of our aging parents. But as of yet, we didn't look at them as being old. Mom was planning on working till she was at least 70. When she passed she was only 66. Dad, who was 76 was still working until it was apparent that Mom needed him home more. I was doing fine taking care of her, Dad just wanted to be there. And that was ok with me. 

My parents were full of life and still very much in love. Even today, Dad talks about how good they were together. He keeps the house just the way she liked it as if she would arrive home any day. 

It has been five months since Mom has passed away and we keep her memory alive each day. Everything reminds me of her and quite often I wish I could just call her up and chat awhile. Because life still goes on. 

My daughter just got married and I am expecting another nephew any day now. Birthdays have come and gone as well as a couple of holidays. Mom and Dad's anniversary was this month. Life goes on. 

Dad has gone back to work. Me, well, I am still trying to figure out what to do now. I made so many changes to be here for Mom. Now, well, I am just here. 

I do plan on still blogging about our journey. Because I don't believe that you actually ever get over something. It just becomes part of who you are. 

Thank you for reading this blog and being a part of our lives. 

More to come.....

Happy New Year????

Even though our attitudes were upbeat, we could not ignore the signs that we were facing a struggle ahead. Mom was just too tired for her normal activity. Her baths were now sponge baths in bed as it was just to traumatizing for her to be moved to the shower bench and back. She no longer had the strength in her upper body to hold herself up, so we had to do it for her if she was not in bed or in her chair. 

Her eating became less and less. We had to wake her just to keep up the nutrients in her body. Another thing was we had to be careful not to overfeed her, that was a risk as well. Her medicines began to change as well. She needed more of the medicine to help her relax and breath and less of the blood pressure medicine. She was using oxygen most all the time now. 

The changes in her just from December to January were dramatic. Her voice was all but gone. And she would call out to me, "maamaa" and I would come to her side. That was pretty much all she could say. She wrote everything else down and that was becoming a struggle. I kept her last notes. They were hard to read, not because of the handwriting, but because of what she had written. 

I called her closest friends and family, told them they should come visit. We just didn't have a timeline anymore and if they wanted to see Mom, they needed to come. 

Mom could only handle visiting for a short time before she just had to sleep. The company was good for Dad. He was with her constantly. Making sure her legs were in the right spot. Or that she was warm or cool enough. Adjusting the oxygen tube so that she was comfortable. Calling her his Beautiful Lady, and kissing her on her forehead. He was amazing. His love for his bride was beyond compare. He worried about her terribly but would not let it show in front of her. We had quiet talks about the future and he would tear up, and I knew we had to stop and finish later. 

The future was hard to think about. Actually, the future without Mom was hard to think about. 

She and Dad had been married over 48 years. Not counting the four years that they dated before they got married. Over their marriage they helped out several family and friends in various ways. At one point Dad and I counted over 20 people had lived with them, and they helped purchase 7 cars/trucks for people. They were very involved in their church and invited many people over for dinner. They were always involved in something. Mom did several weddings and made quilts for babies and Teen Challenge men. I can't remember when they were not busy helping someone else out. 

Even now, at this horrible time in their lives, they seemed to bless those who came to visit. 

January ended with Mom once again stable. She was tired and slept most of the day, as well as all night. But she was stable again. We found comfort in that. 

February came with Mom's breathing once again a struggle. She was short of breath quite often and needed air circulating in the house as well as being on the Oxygen. We started to use the morphine again to give her comfort. On The 11th of February, the nurse came and stated that we should think about a hospital bed for Mom. We agreed, it would be delivered on Thursday, Valentine's day. 

My daughter Amber, who lived away at this time, came to visit. It was good for Mom, she smiled a lot and enjoyed us girls together again. 

Amber feeding her Nana, last time they were together.

This visit was a special one. 

The hospital bed arrived on time on Valentines Day. So did the nurse. She listened to Mom's lungs and after a brief visit with Mom, we put her down to rest. The nurse spoke with my Dad and I, along with my son, David who was there. She said that Mom's lungs were fading and her breathing was shallow. We were told that this could last several days and then she would most likely just fade away in her sleep. It could perhaps even be a couple of weeks. So we were to keep her as comfortable as possible and just ride it out. Keep feeding, but be aware of how much she would actually need. Since most likely she would not get out of bed much, if at all. 

Mom did get out of bed. She got up that afternoon and stayed up till 11 PM that night. My husband surprised us with a visit. And we all talked about how Mom and Dad had their first date on Valentines day some 52 years ago and how that was the holiday that Dad always bought a card on for Mom. They even had their first kiss on Valentines day! We teased them and they teased us. We laughed and Mom's eyes sparkled and it was good. 

We put mom in the hospital bed that night around 11 PM. We all told her we loved her and Dad and I kissed her forehead. I hugged her, she hugged me back.  Dad went to bed in a single bed next to Mom. We went to our room, and snuggled, so glad my husband was here. I filled him in on the day and what our near future may hold. We drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

Dad called me at 4:30 AM, (it was the morning of the 15th), "She's gone" he said with a crack in his voice. "What, NO, it's not time!" was my response. 

I ran to their room, there she was, looking like she was just sleeping, but she wasn't breathing, still warm, he woke up because it just didn't sound right. He had heard her take her last breath and that woke him up. He was so attentive to her every sound and movement. He said he just knew something wasn't quite right. I was on one side of her, Dad on the other. I held her hand and cried.  "It's just too soon! We just got the hospital bed! This can't be real!" 

I looked over at Dad, he was crying, he told me not to talk to him, he just couldn't take it right now. He needed time. 

I called Hospice. The funeral home director came next, I took care of that too. Got an outfit out for Mom, the one she wanted to be in for this moment. They came and took Mom away and the bed was empty. Sam, her little dog, was sad and confused. He was always with her. Now he too was alone. 

My husband called the kids and my Dad called my brother. We were all in a fog. The air was heavy and our hearts were broken. How can we console each other when we were each hurting so badly in our own ways? We all mourned for the loss of our beloved Mom, Wife, Nana, Friend, our Lottie. 

My Angel Mother

Christmas is coming!

"Happy Happy Happy!" was the motto of the month for us! Christmas is coming along with a couple of Birthdays, so we need our party hats on our head and smiles on our faces! 

Our month actually started out kind of frustrating. A Red Tail Hawk decided to attack our chickens. It killed our two Silky chickens first, then an Americana chicken, then a Buff Orpington. We were NOT happy. Moreover this hawk is a protected bird. Hmph! The nerve! Our poor "girls" were scared and didn't want to be apart from us. And we worried each time we heard a squawk! We were told by the Fish and Wildlife Dept. that we could fire a few shots in the air, to scare the hawk. It seemed to work, at least for now. 

My birthday and Ashley's birthday always meant a lunch to celebrate. We went out and had a great time with some family and friends. That was a morale booster for Mom. She seemed to be getting a handle on things now. We had Christmas to plan for and we even did some shopping. Mom got a new dress to wear and some new nightgowns too. She helped me make a blanket for my husband and we chatted about what I was sewing for the family this year. We always had homemade gifts along with the bought-en ones. She was working on crocheting washcloths and I was sewing potholders, aprons and totes. Ann still came over and made items to help Mom be more comfortable. Her friend Linda came over too. It looked like we were going to have a happy month after all! 

Mom in her new blue dress, ready to have lunch with friends. 

Daniel helping "Nana" Mom wrap presents for Christmas. 

Mom on Christmas morning in her new nightgown! 

Our little tree! Nothing too big, or she can't drive around it! 

We played Christmas music all month long and sang along with joy in our heart! Well, ok, I sang and made Mom laugh! She was a better singer than I and I have a tendency to get a bit goofy on the traditional songs. Mom was planning what we should have for Christmas dinner, even though she could not eat any of it, she still enjoyed the smells of a great meal. We baked and decorated cookies. We shopped on line, and wrapped presents as they came in the mail. 

Mom actually became a bit more active this month. She was enjoying being involved in all the Holiday activities and the music helped too. She smiled more and laughed more and shook her finger at me more. Most likely she didn't approve of my dancing to the music.... hahahaha

It was good to see her this way. It was encouraging. We did have to face an ongoing issue with ALS though. She was having more and more trouble keeping herself up. Holding up her upper body was becoming difficult. Her muscles were weak and no longer communicating with her brain. So her faithful friend Ann, made supports for each side while she was in her chair and that helped tremendously. It was easier for Mom to breath with these supports and it also helped with her fatigue. She was getting more and more tired with each effort to support herself, now with what Ann made, she was able to sit up and not have to strain so much. 

Mom helping me with making the blanket for my husband. 

Christmas day was full of joy and laughter! We all enjoyed the company of each other and laughed at how Garrett was more interested in everyone's gifts but his own. He is quite the kid! Mom did outstanding! She was in a great mood and felt wonderful. She sat with us at each meal and chatted along with us as we ate. Christmas was as perfect as we could have asked for. We read the Christmas story out of the Bible and all prayed together. It was a Hallmark card in the making. 


December ended with a simple anniversary celebration for my husband and I. Mom was stable and comfortable. We were all full and satisfied. Life was going ok. We all welcomed the New Year and our expectations were positive and we believed our futures were bright.