My Approval of Myself!

Why do we seek approval of others? So often our belief in our self worth is based on what other think of us. I am calling Malarkey! 

Our approval rating needs to start with us! I approve me! 

When I was younger, I was very much an idealist. I believed in every human being and only saw the good in them. I just knew that if I shared my smile and kindness then they would see that I was worthy of being their friend. As you can guess, I came against a great deal of opposition and heartache.  I learned that people judged me and treated me according to what their judgement of me was. 

By the time I was a senior in High School, I just didn't care what other's thought of me. I was done being the super sweet person who treated everyone the same. My kindness bucket was empty. I was empty. I remember just walking the halls of the High School and feeling like I was only a ghost and not really there at all. 

I always did the "right thing" and made the "right choices" and reality slapped me right in the face with it all too. Now don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my life. Even the errors I made and the awful things that I was forced to experience, I have no regrets over. The path that my life took me down made me the woman I am today. 

Years passed, I became a wife, mom, single mom, wife again, step mom and now gramma. I again took up being kind, and added being wise, regardless of the situation I was in. After all of my life experiences have brought me through, they taught me this: I don't have to be "right" to be "correct." 

So I choose to be correct now. Sometimes that means letting go of someone that I have invested a lot of time into and sometimes that means just saying "no" to a new friendship. I am now being kind to myself! Why? Because I approve of myself. I am not perfect, nor am I the skinny girl in High School anymore. But what I am is a beautiful, talented, loving woman who can appreciate others just as they are. I don't need approval of others to be ok. I am ok already. I am happy. I have fun. I am serious. I am also silly. I work hard and sometimes I hardly work. I love reading and learning. I love bird watching and people watching. I like sitting on my deck and drinking a cup of coffee with my husband, while occasionally throwing a ball for my dog. I have no need to be something I am not just for some one's approval. 

So know this: you are beautiful, strong, fun, silly and serious! Love everything about yourself! Your hair color, your eye color, your freckles! Everything about you makes you wonderful! Yes, even the bad stuff. How? Well, because the bad stuff helps you define who you are in an icky situation. Life gives everyone icky situations, how we handle them defines who we are. 

So make a decision, approve of yourself! I did and it feels great! 

I approve this message! 

And the little Rose bloomed

About twelve years ago, a very special man brought me a tiny rose bush. Actually it was a miniature rose bush. It reminded me of a bonsai plant. I was very fond of the little rose bush. The first year I had the tiny rose bush, I watered it, fertilized it, made sure it had just the right amount of sun and shade. It put forth several little mini red roses. And it made me smile. The second year, I was moving across country and could not take this little rose bush with me. So I left it in the care of my mother. I had great confidence that it would be ok, since she was a gifted gardener. After living afar for a few years, I returned back to Oregon and to my little rose bush. It was still producing the sweetest little red roses. It made me smile some more. I had to move away from my little rose bush again, for another four years. I would inquire about the health of my tiny rose bush and my mother would tell me it is doing just fine. I never worried about it's care, I trusted the caregiver. I knew that she knew the little rose bush was special to me and that she was entrusted to make sure it survived. She needed to water it, fertilize it and make sure it had the right amount of sun and shade.
When my mother became ill with ALS, I came home to stay. Before she was wheelchair bound, she and I were outside going over the flower garden and what needed to be done and there in the middle was my little rose bush. I smiled. She said that now I could be the one taking care of it, watering it, fertilizing it and making sure it got the right amount of sun and shade.
I looked at my mother, and considered the little rose bush. She had taken care of me for so many years, been there for me. Feeding me words of wisdom. Watering my soul with music. Making sure that I got just the right amount of experience and responsibility. As I bloomed as a young woman, she would smile.
I realized how blessed I am to have such a caring mother. One who would allow me to be the impossible person I was and then to encourage me to be the independent business woman I became. Just as she tended her garden, with loving hands guiding her flowers to grow, she did the same for me.
The little rose bush is blooming.... and it makes me smile.

A Year Has Past

So it has been a year since Mom passed away. I find myself drifting off at times with memories of her and the things she did. I have good fond memories of her, but I also have some frustrating memories. At one time I wondered if that was ok, and have decided that it was. 

You see, when someone you are close to dies, there are still things that will linger about them. Like the type of soap she would buy or the body spray she would wear. Whenever I fold towels, I think about how she taught me. The good memories are always a pleasure to think about. I usually smile and perhaps give off a little laugh. I can see her being silly or just being creative and my just admiring how she does it all! 

Then there are the frustrating thoughts, the ones where I still feel the sting of something that was said. The thoughts of when I felt slighted or put out for some reason. I still feel the twinge of pain that comes with those thoughts. They are curious to me. I wonder why I even remember them. I question my own mind with "shouldn't I be thinking good things??? After all she is gone, no sense in rehashing what cannot be undone!"

But you see, it can be undone! I can speak truth and I can speak it out loud! Maybe I am recalling these things so that I may forgive her or even forgive myself. 

I love my mother. She was more than just my mom, we were the best of friends. We could laugh till we cried and would defend each other till the death. That is what I did, I defended her till her death. I miss her. 

I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes rolling at the things that annoyed her. I miss shopping with her, cooking with her, sewing with her. I miss watching a movie just for girls with her. I miss venting about what makes me angry with her. I miss her stories and her ideas. I miss her, I miss my mom. 

I am not the only one that misses her. Dad misses her too. This isn't all about me, it is about all of us. Dad has been on a roller coaster ride this past year. But I must say I am very proud of him, he has come through it all like a champ! But I know he misses Mom. This weekend was an emotional one. My brother and his family spent the weekend with us. It was good to have everyone together. We felt the absent of Mom, but didn't talk about it much. It would only make us cry, then we would all cry and that wouldn't be fun. We were all dealing with the memory of Mom and the feelings of loss in our own ways. 

Now we are on to our year of seconds. This should be a better year, an easier one. Life continues to go on, whether we participate in it or not, it will continue to happen. The sun will rise and set. We have to choose how to continue to behave. I will admit, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone out there in the world. But I know that isn't the correct  way to be. So I get up, shower and grab my cup of coffee and tell myself, "Today is gonna be a good one! So get ready!" 

Ok, so that doesn't always work, sometimes I still have a bad attitude, but at least I am up! Coffee helps! As I go about my day, I sometimes think of Mom and what she think or I think of something I would like to tell her. I live out the event in my mind, smile and continue on. I come across things I wish I could share with her or tell her, then I remember that I believe she is looking in on us from heaven and is hearing what I am saying or seeing what I want to show her. It comforts me. And for now, that is good. 

So a year has past. A year of firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, births, weddings, and milestones. It is time to continue to move on towards our future. I am gonna be a grandma myself. I am excited about this and even though I wish I could share it with my Mom, I can't. But I can be there for my daughters and my sons and be the best Grandma that I can be. 

Our seasons have changed. We have passed through the Winter and are now headed onto the Spring! 

Bright things ahead of us! Keep watching for that sunrise! It is a beautiful site!

My Christmas Wish

Society says, "Be yourself..... oh, just not that way"
(quote my son shared from a friend of his) This is so sad but true. We encourage our individuality, yet condemn it when it happens. Then society puts labels on people, separating society even farther. Then it becomes Us vs Them. 
What we should all be shouting about and arguing for is the understanding that what really hurts are the labels and condemnation towards ALL of us. Hate goes both ways, so does love. 
I say: Be yourself, cuz that is who I love and appreciate.

I posted the above statement on my Facebook page and felt it blogger worthy. 

Labels prevent greatness to shine forth. It is tragic to live in a day and age where people are defined by labels. It is as if we are doing a Google search on who we want in our friend base. Truth be known: No one person is the same. Not even a clone, they are different in that they are not the original. We need to embrace each other, realizing that we all come from different background and have different life experiences. These are the things that make us so wonderful as individuals. Our eyes are shades of green, brown, blue, and grey; we all see things in a unique light. We gaze out and each one of us will notice something different. Our hearts all sing their own songs and I believe that they should be heard, not quieted. 

Peace comes from within. Not from where we live, work or play. It comes from what is residing in our hearts. Anger and Hate do not generate peace. They generate strife. There are so many issues in today's society, focusing on labels and dividing into the "Us vs Them" categories, does not assist in resolving these issues. 

I am actually OK with not agreeing with others. Just because I don't agree with someone's statement, belief or life style choices, does not give me the right to condemn them and spew hateful labels towards them. If I am to be true to myself, and to my own beliefs, I must give them the same allowance. Just as they haven't walked in my shoes, I haven't walked in theirs, so I cannot claim to be an expert on what is best for them. I can love them for who they are and appreciate their own individual greatness and hopefully glean something from them in a positive way. 

My Christmas Wish: To be a light in the darkness, to help other's shine, and to influence just one person to accept others for who they are and not what society labeled them as. 

Blessings to you all this Christmas Season! 

Christmas Past, Present and Future

Last Christmas was one of HOPE. We had put out the decorations like we always did. Mom was in charge of where everything went. She even decided which theme we would use for the tree. She was happy and alert most of the month. We were all hopeful.

In the past, Mom would be singing Christmas carols at the top of her lungs. And we would listen to all kinds of Christmas music. I would search for my favorite Christmas mice and make sure they were displayed, no matter what "theme" Mom had picked out. Going through Mom's Christmas decor was always an adventure. Because she was so crafty and creative, she was always making a new decoration, wall hanging, wooden display, Santa Clause, and centerpieces. The list of what Mom made each year could go on and on. My daughters and I have tried to keep up with Mom's tradition by making things each year. But what we make is more for gifts than just Christmas decor. All the same, we get together and create something special and unique. The important part as well as the cherished part is just getting together. We laugh, cry, eat, drink and are very merry! We make memories. 

This Christmas is a quiet one. My house seems empty. The song and spirit of Christmas is a very quiet one. All my children have officially left the nest this year so getting into the spirit of the season has been a tough one. This is also our first family Christmas without Mom. Dad keeps threatening to run away so he doesn't have to celebrate the holiday with us. I am going to decorate his house whether he wants it or not. I actually know that he does want it. He just doesn't want to do it himself. I caught him watching a Christmas special and he was smiling about it. He is so funny. Big strong man, hiding his emotions, but truth be known, he misses Mom terribly, as do all of us. 

Our future Christmas' will be full of children and laughter. My nephew, Garrett is two and his baby brother will be 4 months. Next year, I will have a grandchild of my own to spoil and make special gifts for. Even though Mom is not with us, her spirit is. The twinkle in her eye lives on and we will sing at the top of our lungs the Christmas carols in spite of ourselves. 

I know this is a short blog today, but more than anything, I wanted to express that even though there is an absent of our beloved. Being full of joy and celebrating the season of Christmas should never be a time of sadness! Christmas represents the Birth of Jesus Christ and that is nothing to cry over. Even if you don't believe in the Christ child and you celebrate because of St. Nicholas, again, it is a reason for joy, not sorrow. 

I believe this is the season to love others and bless those less fortunate than yourselves. Reach out and be kind. It is not about the presents, it is about caring, sharing and being thankful and grateful.

Merry Christmas!  

October ~ Leaf in the Wind

It is October and the leaves are falling from the trees around my house. We have several Maple trees so the leaves are large, yellow and orange. It is quite a sight when they fall, and loud too. The ground has a blanket of color on it from the leaves that have already fallen. The birds gather around the feeder and chirp and chat enjoying the treats of seeds I put out for them. It is hard to believe that a year ago, this very month, and much to my dismay, my youngest daughter moved out. I was dealing with migraines from all the stress I was dealing with and we started Mom on Hospice. It may have been pretty outside with all the colorful leaves, but inside, it was dark, black and gray. 

Each leaf that fell sounded like rain and felt bitter and cold. I felt like my life was unraveling. My family was separating and disagreeable. My Father was moody, stressed out with Mom's condition, and I needed to find a quiet space! After sporting a migraine for a week, I decided see the doctor myself. More of the same stuff for me;  Stress causes my migraines to increase in size and length; was the diagnosis.  Perfect, I thought. I didn't see any relief in the near future. 

My daughter broke my heart. My stressed out Father, hurt my feelings. My dear Mother was dying. And I was alone. Alone with my broken heart, hurt feelings and missing my best friend as she lay in bed or sat in her chair, unable to communicate with me like we had so many times before. I would call out to God and ask where He was in all of this. 

Fall, the season before Winter. The slowing down of life, just before death. I wanted to run, run right in to Spring! I want life and happiness and laughter! I want my daughter to come home and my Mom to be well! But life had another story for me tell and it wasn't the one I wanted to be a part of. It was difficult not to be full of dismay. 

I clung to my faith as it gave me hope. Even though I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I still tried to fear no evil, knowing that God was with me. He just had to be. I knew that I just couldn't continue to go on without some other source of strength. 

Reflecting back on last October brings both sorrow and comfort. Sorrow for what went on that month, for what was lost. Comfort for knowing that Mom is in a better place, my daughter and I are communicating again. My Father is still in mourning. He misses Mom. I can tell the holidays this year will be tough on him. They will be tough on all of us. 

I now have my quiet place. I sit there and enjoy the colors that October brings. I read my Bible and meditate and reflect. I miss my Mom too. Life has forever been changed for us. We were such a tight knit family, and now, we are frayed at the edges. I pray for us to be mended, and I reject the thought of us being so unraveled that we are just strands of fray from the past. 

Even thought it is October, I am still looking for new life. New ways to grow and be creative. I began knitting items for Christmas presents. Mom and I would always try to make something for Christmas. I am keeping up with tradition. It may feel like darkness is coming, but I am not dead! I choose to surround myself with living color and rejoice and praise all that is worth living for! 

I know Winter will come, but I've got a fire, and a twinkle in my eye! 

The First Fall

Fall, Autumn, Fomhar, Osen`, Herbst, Herfst, Automne

Whatever you call it, it has arrived. The nights are longer and colder. The days here where I live are wet and foggy. The geese are flying south and the air is full of colorful leaves as they make there way to the ground. The land and its creatures are all preparing for Winter. Even though it is a few months away, you can tell the time is drawing nigh. Creatures are storing last minute food supplies and the deer that were normally comfortable in my yard are not to be seen, for they have gone deeper into the woods that are near my house. 

School has started for all ages, from the pre-school children up to those returning to college to further their education. Warm jackets are coming out of storage as well as socks for us here in Oregon. 

Retail stores are pulling out decorations for all of the end of the year holidays, from Rosh Hashanah to Eid al-Adah to Halloween to Day of the Dead to Veterans Day to Thanksgiving to Hanukah to Yule to Christmas. Plus some more I didn't list. 

Recipes are posted on every type of social media. Bake this cake, or pie, or chicken pot pie, or try these cookies, or this comfort food casserole. Eat, eat and be merry. It's not that I don't enjoy the different recipes, it is that I want to enter into each holiday one at a time.  

This year is the first year of "firsts" after the death of my mother. This will be our first Fall. Our first Halloween. Our first Thanksgiving. Our first Christmas. Our first without the one who made us all come together and have family time.  The one who picked out what decor to put out and when to put it out. The one I did all my shopping with. The one who decided on the main course for our big family dinners and the one who was always in the middle of the planning. The one who is now gone away from us. 

Grief has many stages. Denial, anger, and sadness are all parts of the process of letting go of the one you loved and lost. There is also a stage of "firsts". The first year is full of events that were once familiar and hold many expectations and memories of the loved one. This year can be a tough one for many people. Our family is experiencing our ups and downs that come with the first year after Mom has passed away. We have good days and bad days. 

So often when I am alone I want to just pick up the phone and call my Mom. I just want to hear her voice and catch her up on my life. On the life of my kids, on all the changes that are still happening in the world. I want to complain to her and laugh with her, cry with her.  We could talk for hours and still have more to say. Now, I hardly talk at all. 

We were creative partners. We did crafts every holiday and as each one approaches, I still look for things for us to do, but then lose the desire to do it. This is part of my grief process. Mourning over the things that we did together. She was an amazing cook and baker. So I went through a stage where I wanted to read all her cookbooks and see what notes she had in them and I started baking things for my Dad. Of course they were not as good as my Mom's. So I stopped baking, again, part of the grieving process. 

Our emotions are still wounded and we can be somewhat sensitive or insensitive to each other and each other's needs. Being aware of the fact that grief is different for everyone is really important. No one feels the same way. We may share similar feelings, but we each "feel" in our own way.  Respect for each other's space is also important. Since I am here with my Dad and we are so much alike, our space is very important. My brother is like Mom and the peacemaker. But he is busy with his new son, Gavin as well as with Garrett. His growing family stays active and seeing them is a treat. 

As I close this post for today, I want to encourage anyone who is grieving to make sure they understand what they are feeling and why. It is ok to be angry and sad, but don't let those feeling control you. You are in charge of your life and how you deal with it. Allow yourself to feel, to mourn, but also allow yourself to live! 

Me, well, I am doing ok. Some days are tough, but most are not. I put on my happy face and look for the good things out there. Like the fact that I can hear the birds sing. I am thankful for what I have and who I share it with. 

Be Strong and Carry On!