As the seasons change so do I

Hard to believe that it has been five years and some months since we said good bye. Never would I have thought this part of the journey into my adult life would be experienced without my best girlfriend, my mentor, my mother. So much as happened in these four years. Both daughters got married and one had a daughter of her own. Both sons and one daughter graduated from college. Several changes have been made in the family regarding the workforce. Houses were bought along with a couple of vehicles. The college I was attending closed, so I missed my BS degree by 7 credits. My brother's family has more than doubled in size. We have traveled overseas twice and developed lifelong friendships because of it. Additionally, we have lost other loved ones for various reasons. 

We have experienced joy and heartache, anger, sadness, grief and peace beyond our own understanding. I find myself thinking more and talking less. (And for those who know me, that is quite something!) I guess I reflect on what was, what is and what will be. I see all the anger in the world and the bitter division between family and friends and I just don't want to be part of that. I don't want to be bitter and angry. I want to continue to experience life to it's fullest. To live, to dream and to create! 

I visited the graves of my maternal grandparents today. It was quiet, peaceful and sad. No grief, just sadness. I felt sooo very sad for all the graves, the tombstones, the forgotten family, forgotten loved ones. Most of the tombstones were not taken care of, the graveyard was mowed, but moss and grass had grown over many of the grave markers. This just broke my heart. Each marker was the representation of a living breathing person. They each had a life, while it may be a mystery to me who they were, they did live and someone, who loved them, made sure they had a place to rest. Now they rest alone along with hundreds of others who are resting alone. Alone in their grave with a marker covered in moss and grass making their name and dates hard to read. Alone... and forgotten.

My grandparents grave marker needs attention. I am not the only family around this area and I was not the closest to them. But I am going to be the one to go and clean up the area and wash off the marble in honor of who they were. They were real people. They laughed, cried, yelled and whispered. The loved deeply and while they didn't make everyone happy, they did work hard and give to others what they could. I have so many memories of them, I am happy to do this small task on their behalf. In their memory. 

This brings me to thoughts of my mother, her death, and her current 'resting' place. She didn't want a tomb, she didn't want to be a forgotten gravestone that no one could read. She wanted to be remembered by what she gave to others, the life lessons she taught, the generosity and love she gave so freely and the smells of her recipes cooking in the kitchen. That woman could cook!  Her memory is best described by what she left with each one of us. She spent her live effectively changing other's by sharing the joy and love inside of her. So where does my mom rest? She is in an urn in my father's house surrounded by pictures of her smiling, baking, quilting, traveling and having fun with family and friends. 
Not a month goes by that we don't say, "Nana did this, or Nana would have loved that."

She is alive in our hearts and memories and not forgotten. 

Cake and Grapes

I had the best Mom ever! 
I know other's would say the same thing, but I do believe I did have the best Mom ever! Well at least she was the best Mom for me! 
She fulfilled so many areas of my life, I just cannot even fathom what life would have been like with a different Mother. 

I was a skinny teenager, who suffered from Food Allergies, which made me very ill at times. I actually was teased and made to feel bad about being "too skinny" and of course, as with most bullying, it hurt. 

Don't get me wrong, I stood up for myself, even got in a few fights. (I know, hard to believe) But bullying of any and all kinds leaves scars on people. My Mom also knew the pain of bullying. She was a very shy girl. (And I mean VERY). This led to her being teased about being a snob and "too good for anyone" when in fact, she was socially inept. She was terrified to talk to people. She eventually overcame this, but it was traumatic for her as a child. 

I would come home from an event and go to my room and just want to scream. People were so cruel! I would be so angry that I would begin to cry and that is about when my mom would come in with a fresh un-frosted piece of white or yellow cake. Still warm from the oven. But because I also needed natural sugar, she would bring in green grapes as well. (Hence; cake and grapes) It was her tenderness and sweetness that would melt me. I tried to become hard hearted towards others. I really wanted to hate them for teasing me so much. But she would sit on the bed with me and talk, and cry, and eat cake. 

She would give me the best "mom advice" ever and tell me to forgive them and love them anyway. They just didn't understand that they showing me how insecure and hurt they were inside. Over time I would begin to learn how to deal with the pain of others. I learned to recognize that they were just exposing themselves to me. I had a choice to make, to be mean back, after all, I felt I had a right to be mean back. That was not the choice I made, I chose to be correct. Hurting people hurt others, so why not help heal the pain and be kind to them, regardless of how they treated me? Yes, that is what I did. 

I became stronger as a person and was able to confront those who were mean to me. It was not easy, and sometimes I still wanted more cake and grape time! However, time does have a way of healing things if you let it. Forgiveness is part of that too. 

Throughout my adult life, I was blessed to have a close relationship with my mother, we were the best of friends. We vented and laughed and cried together. No matter where in the United States I lived, we remained close. We used to joke about having a cake and grape talk, I knew when she said that she needed to vent and I was to be the "good advice" giver. This went both ways. I would mention the cake and grapes and she would become my sounding board to the issues I was frustrated with. 

Cake and Grapes is something I have shared with my two daughters. Only they don't like cake, so it is mostly a metaphor for "we need to talk" and then we talk. I cherish both my daughters and wish that my mother could have known them as adults. I know she would have been as proud of them as I am today. 

I mostly eat the cake and grapes by myself now. I love the relationships I have with my daughters and those with my other female friends. But none compare to the one I had with my Mother..... 

She truly was my best friend. 
            And I miss her......

My Approval of Myself!

Why do we seek approval of others? So often our belief in our self worth is based on what other think of us. I am calling Malarkey! 

Our approval rating needs to start with us! I approve me! 

When I was younger, I was very much an idealist. I believed in every human being and only saw the good in them. I just knew that if I shared my smile and kindness then they would see that I was worthy of being their friend. As you can guess, I came against a great deal of opposition and heartache.  I learned that people judged me and treated me according to what their judgement of me was. 

By the time I was a senior in High School, I just didn't care what other's thought of me. I was done being the super sweet person who treated everyone the same. My kindness bucket was empty. I was empty. I remember just walking the halls of the High School and feeling like I was only a ghost and not really there at all. 

I always did the "right thing" and made the "right choices" and reality slapped me right in the face with it all too. Now don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my life. Even the errors I made and the awful things that I was forced to experience, I have no regrets over. The path that my life took me down made me the woman I am today. 

Years passed, I became a wife, mom, single mom, wife again, step mom and now gramma. I again took up being kind, and added being wise, regardless of the situation I was in. After all of my life experiences have brought me through, they taught me this: I don't have to be "right" to be "correct." 

So I choose to be correct now. Sometimes that means letting go of someone that I have invested a lot of time into and sometimes that means just saying "no" to a new friendship. I am now being kind to myself! Why? Because I approve of myself. I am not perfect, nor am I the skinny girl in High School anymore. But what I am is a beautiful, talented, loving woman who can appreciate others just as they are. I don't need approval of others to be ok. I am ok already. I am happy. I have fun. I am serious. I am also silly. I work hard and sometimes I hardly work. I love reading and learning. I love bird watching and people watching. I like sitting on my deck and drinking a cup of coffee with my husband, while occasionally throwing a ball for my dog. I have no need to be something I am not just for some one's approval. 

So know this: you are beautiful, strong, fun, silly and serious! Love everything about yourself! Your hair color, your eye color, your freckles! Everything about you makes you wonderful! Yes, even the bad stuff. How? Well, because the bad stuff helps you define who you are in an icky situation. Life gives everyone icky situations, how we handle them defines who we are. 

So make a decision, approve of yourself! I did and it feels great! 

I approve this message! 

And the little Rose bloomed

About twelve years ago, a very special man brought me a tiny rose bush. Actually it was a miniature rose bush. It reminded me of a bonsai plant. I was very fond of the little rose bush. The first year I had the tiny rose bush, I watered it, fertilized it, made sure it had just the right amount of sun and shade. It put forth several little mini red roses. And it made me smile. The second year, I was moving across country and could not take this little rose bush with me. So I left it in the care of my mother. I had great confidence that it would be ok, since she was a gifted gardener. After living afar for a few years, I returned back to Oregon and to my little rose bush. It was still producing the sweetest little red roses. It made me smile some more. I had to move away from my little rose bush again, for another four years. I would inquire about the health of my tiny rose bush and my mother would tell me it is doing just fine. I never worried about it's care, I trusted the caregiver. I knew that she knew the little rose bush was special to me and that she was entrusted to make sure it survived. She needed to water it, fertilize it and make sure it had the right amount of sun and shade.
When my mother became ill with ALS, I came home to stay. Before she was wheelchair bound, she and I were outside going over the flower garden and what needed to be done and there in the middle was my little rose bush. I smiled. She said that now I could be the one taking care of it, watering it, fertilizing it and making sure it got the right amount of sun and shade.
I looked at my mother, and considered the little rose bush. She had taken care of me for so many years, been there for me. Feeding me words of wisdom. Watering my soul with music. Making sure that I got just the right amount of experience and responsibility. As I bloomed as a young woman, she would smile.
I realized how blessed I am to have such a caring mother. One who would allow me to be the impossible person I was and then to encourage me to be the independent business woman I became. Just as she tended her garden, with loving hands guiding her flowers to grow, she did the same for me.
The little rose bush is blooming.... and it makes me smile.

A Year Has Past

So it has been a year since Mom passed away. I find myself drifting off at times with memories of her and the things she did. I have good fond memories of her, but I also have some frustrating memories. At one time I wondered if that was ok, and have decided that it was. 

You see, when someone you are close to dies, there are still things that will linger about them. Like the type of soap she would buy or the body spray she would wear. Whenever I fold towels, I think about how she taught me. The good memories are always a pleasure to think about. I usually smile and perhaps give off a little laugh. I can see her being silly or just being creative and my just admiring how she does it all! 

Then there are the frustrating thoughts, the ones where I still feel the sting of something that was said. The thoughts of when I felt slighted or put out for some reason. I still feel the twinge of pain that comes with those thoughts. They are curious to me. I wonder why I even remember them. I question my own mind with "shouldn't I be thinking good things??? After all she is gone, no sense in rehashing what cannot be undone!"

But you see, it can be undone! I can speak truth and I can speak it out loud! Maybe I am recalling these things so that I may forgive her or even forgive myself. 

I love my mother. She was more than just my mom, we were the best of friends. We could laugh till we cried and would defend each other till the death. That is what I did, I defended her till her death. I miss her. 

I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes rolling at the things that annoyed her. I miss shopping with her, cooking with her, sewing with her. I miss watching a movie just for girls with her. I miss venting about what makes me angry with her. I miss her stories and her ideas. I miss her, I miss my mom. 

I am not the only one that misses her. Dad misses her too. This isn't all about me, it is about all of us. Dad has been on a roller coaster ride this past year. But I must say I am very proud of him, he has come through it all like a champ! But I know he misses Mom. This weekend was an emotional one. My brother and his family spent the weekend with us. It was good to have everyone together. We felt the absent of Mom, but didn't talk about it much. It would only make us cry, then we would all cry and that wouldn't be fun. We were all dealing with the memory of Mom and the feelings of loss in our own ways. 

Now we are on to our year of seconds. This should be a better year, an easier one. Life continues to go on, whether we participate in it or not, it will continue to happen. The sun will rise and set. We have to choose how to continue to behave. I will admit, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bed and not speak to anyone out there in the world. But I know that isn't the correct  way to be. So I get up, shower and grab my cup of coffee and tell myself, "Today is gonna be a good one! So get ready!" 

Ok, so that doesn't always work, sometimes I still have a bad attitude, but at least I am up! Coffee helps! As I go about my day, I sometimes think of Mom and what she think or I think of something I would like to tell her. I live out the event in my mind, smile and continue on. I come across things I wish I could share with her or tell her, then I remember that I believe she is looking in on us from heaven and is hearing what I am saying or seeing what I want to show her. It comforts me. And for now, that is good. 

So a year has past. A year of firsts, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, births, weddings, and milestones. It is time to continue to move on towards our future. I am gonna be a grandma myself. I am excited about this and even though I wish I could share it with my Mom, I can't. But I can be there for my daughters and my sons and be the best Grandma that I can be. 

Our seasons have changed. We have passed through the Winter and are now headed onto the Spring! 

Bright things ahead of us! Keep watching for that sunrise! It is a beautiful site!

My Christmas Wish

Society says, "Be yourself..... oh, just not that way"
(quote my son shared from a friend of his) This is so sad but true. We encourage our individuality, yet condemn it when it happens. Then society puts labels on people, separating society even farther. Then it becomes Us vs Them. 
What we should all be shouting about and arguing for is the understanding that what really hurts are the labels and condemnation towards ALL of us. Hate goes both ways, so does love. 
I say: Be yourself, cuz that is who I love and appreciate.

I posted the above statement on my Facebook page and felt it blogger worthy. 

Labels prevent greatness to shine forth. It is tragic to live in a day and age where people are defined by labels. It is as if we are doing a Google search on who we want in our friend base. Truth be known: No one person is the same. Not even a clone, they are different in that they are not the original. We need to embrace each other, realizing that we all come from different background and have different life experiences. These are the things that make us so wonderful as individuals. Our eyes are shades of green, brown, blue, and grey; we all see things in a unique light. We gaze out and each one of us will notice something different. Our hearts all sing their own songs and I believe that they should be heard, not quieted. 

Peace comes from within. Not from where we live, work or play. It comes from what is residing in our hearts. Anger and Hate do not generate peace. They generate strife. There are so many issues in today's society, focusing on labels and dividing into the "Us vs Them" categories, does not assist in resolving these issues. 

I am actually OK with not agreeing with others. Just because I don't agree with someone's statement, belief or life style choices, does not give me the right to condemn them and spew hateful labels towards them. If I am to be true to myself, and to my own beliefs, I must give them the same allowance. Just as they haven't walked in my shoes, I haven't walked in theirs, so I cannot claim to be an expert on what is best for them. I can love them for who they are and appreciate their own individual greatness and hopefully glean something from them in a positive way. 

My Christmas Wish: To be a light in the darkness, to help other's shine, and to influence just one person to accept others for who they are and not what society labeled them as. 

Blessings to you all this Christmas Season! 

Christmas Past, Present and Future

Last Christmas was one of HOPE. We had put out the decorations like we always did. Mom was in charge of where everything went. She even decided which theme we would use for the tree. She was happy and alert most of the month. We were all hopeful.

In the past, Mom would be singing Christmas carols at the top of her lungs. And we would listen to all kinds of Christmas music. I would search for my favorite Christmas mice and make sure they were displayed, no matter what "theme" Mom had picked out. Going through Mom's Christmas decor was always an adventure. Because she was so crafty and creative, she was always making a new decoration, wall hanging, wooden display, Santa Clause, and centerpieces. The list of what Mom made each year could go on and on. My daughters and I have tried to keep up with Mom's tradition by making things each year. But what we make is more for gifts than just Christmas decor. All the same, we get together and create something special and unique. The important part as well as the cherished part is just getting together. We laugh, cry, eat, drink and are very merry! We make memories. 

This Christmas is a quiet one. My house seems empty. The song and spirit of Christmas is a very quiet one. All my children have officially left the nest this year so getting into the spirit of the season has been a tough one. This is also our first family Christmas without Mom. Dad keeps threatening to run away so he doesn't have to celebrate the holiday with us. I am going to decorate his house whether he wants it or not. I actually know that he does want it. He just doesn't want to do it himself. I caught him watching a Christmas special and he was smiling about it. He is so funny. Big strong man, hiding his emotions, but truth be known, he misses Mom terribly, as do all of us. 

Our future Christmas' will be full of children and laughter. My nephew, Garrett is two and his baby brother will be 4 months. Next year, I will have a grandchild of my own to spoil and make special gifts for. Even though Mom is not with us, her spirit is. The twinkle in her eye lives on and we will sing at the top of our lungs the Christmas carols in spite of ourselves. 

I know this is a short blog today, but more than anything, I wanted to express that even though there is an absent of our beloved. Being full of joy and celebrating the season of Christmas should never be a time of sadness! Christmas represents the Birth of Jesus Christ and that is nothing to cry over. Even if you don't believe in the Christ child and you celebrate because of St. Nicholas, again, it is a reason for joy, not sorrow. 

I believe this is the season to love others and bless those less fortunate than yourselves. Reach out and be kind. It is not about the presents, it is about caring, sharing and being thankful and grateful.

Merry Christmas!